Not the result you wanted, methinks...

Hello Mrs. Einstein,

Thank you for contacting me about your son, Jesus.  I am sorry to hear that you are dissatisfied with his placement in the beginning orchestra - clearly he is *not* a rank beginner.  While it was not necessary to back up your transfer request with photos of his academic record from his previous school, I do appreciate that you took the time to do so.  It was very informative - especially the part where you highlighted the comment that he has mastered playing "the open strings: E, A, D and G."  I'm sure that this is meant to impress me.  You should know, however, that it comes across a bit as if you had said "My son has mastered the ability to hold a pencil correctly - please move him to honors English"

I am also sorry to hear that you do not agree with my assessment of his classroom behavior and work habits.  It is true that I have only known J for a couple of months, and that you have been observing him since the day he was born.  I appreciate your assurance that your assessment is accurate and free of bias.  We will take that under consideration while we consider changes to his enrollment.  A word of advice:  If you are going to share photos of your son's records, you might want to crop out the panel that clearly shows comments from *every* teacher noting J's lack of ability to remain focused as well as his difficulty working with others.  It is probably worth mentioning that as accurate, bias-free assessments go,  agreement among professionals who have never met is a pretty solid bet.

Sincerely,

Mr. Maestro

And so the sun rises...

... on a new day in New Republic High School

I took time during the Summer to lick my wounds.  I traveled.  I made great music with people that I love me.   And now I'm back. Rejuvenated.  At least as much as I can be

And... how is it?

I definitely got a better start this year... considering that in September 2017 I was trying to get my year off the ground while simultaneously dealing with a death in the family.  But it's not just that.  My classes this year are easier.  Less resistance.  My upperclassmen are providing much better leadership across the board.

And today?  Today I had the most kick ass band rehearsal in recent memory.  I'm talking dripping-with-sweat-from-the-podium energy.  The kids were tuned in... I was on point.  And the voice in my head that often tells me "You suck at this" was singing as different tune:  "Goddammit, you're good"

Make no mistake, I still feel the scars from last year, and the thought of retirement is lurking in the back of my mind.  I'm working slower than before, and less efficiently...  but no... let's not ruin the moment.

Today was a good day.

With a Capitol "F"

My year is all but done.

It was hard, maybe the hardest of my career.  Not so much because of the opposition, but because of the self-doubt.  But the opposition played a part, make no mistake.

My biggest challenge was my jazz class, to be sure.  Most of the problems are graduating.  But not all of the graduating members were problems.  One of the few non-problems tried to get the other seniors to sign a thank-you card for me.  They did.  They all included the phrase 'great energy' in their statements.  I immediately got the reference.

I once told them that when a festival adjudicator has nothing positive to say about an ensemble, they will say 'great energy' as a way of giving them some kind of a compliment, but it's a hollow one.

So yes, I understand.... it was their last middle finger to me.

My last conversation with the student who 'organized' the thank you card, however, was different.  This is a young man who had many personal challenges and, truth be told, he's lucky to be graduating.  He told me when he gave me the card that it is very likely that jazz was the only thing that got him out of bed and willing to go to school.  He's walking this week, and I do not take that statement lightly.

So to the young man who bought the card... you know how hard this year was for me.  I know how hard your whole high school career was to you.  If you were the only victory I can claim this year, I would say that it was worth it.  And it is.

And to the rest of the 'great energy' crowd... have a nice life.  I got you to play reasonably well,  but for all your arrogance and entitlement, you accomplished little else.   And unlike the other graduates of recent years (who set a wonderful example that you refused to emulate) you brought nothing new, nothing of value to the table.  You got an easy grade from me, but don't use me as a reference for anything.  And Fuck you, with a capitol 'F'

Ten years ago...

.... I met with my principal because a student had complained about me.  The principal at the time was someone that I did not get along with, as was the student. It was a difficult ordeal but the fact that I knew that the claim against me was biased held me get through it.

Today I met with my admin, and once again, questions have been raised about my commitment and my...'passion'.   Students complained.  I do not know who, how many, nor from which of my classes they came.  I knew better than to ask.

To be sure, this principal is very different from the one from ten years ago.  This is one I get along with well.  I think she's fair.  I think she's genuinely concerned for the health and well being of the program.  When asked about my 'passion' I admitted that I had become more domestic in recent years, given the age of my son.  I still work hard for my students, but late nights are harder, and I avoid weekends a bit more.  Also, I try to keep concerts short.

My wife thinks my honesty was a mistake.  She lives in the corporate world, where you never own your shortcomings.  I was honest because I trust my principal and I want to be honest with her.  But yes... maybe it was a mistake.

What there is no mistake about is how I feel right now.  Those of you that know me, know that my demons of self-doubt are particularly vicious. It is now 2 a.m. and I've pretty much given up on sleeping.


Oh... and.... the jazz band has all but imploded.  That's probably where the complaints came from, but it doesn't matter.  What matters is that I know in my soul there is substance to their complaints, even if their perspective is skewed.

The other thing I learned from this meeting?   The school foundation wants to cut funding for my music assistants.

Is this what burn-out feels like?