So regarding the Thanksgiving Weekend football game that I decided to blow off... I was actually feeling a little guilty about cancelling the pep band appearance, and was trying to just put my mind at ease (especially since the rain excuse wasn't looking like it was going to pan out) when the universe decided to 'help me out' by giving me something else to worry about.
The short of it is that my father went into the hospital for a menagerie of conditions that converged simultaneously on him on Thanksgiving morning. Now... I cancelled the pep band appearance two days before this showed up on the radar - some idiotic voice in my head is still trying to guilt trip me about that... but for the most part I am grateful that I didn't have to scramble to find someone to chaperone in my absence *or* cancel at the last minute. For the record, the idiot voice is bound, gagged and locked in the closet.
I ended up spending most of the weekend out of town - hanging out with my family at the hospital, mostly watching my dad sleep (struggling for breath and looking generally uncomfortable as hell). It was a hard thing to see... especially since I couldn't help but think "This will probably be me someday" I just hope my son will be old enough to handle it, and that I'll be less stubborn than my father is being now. (Long story, which I won't bother you with)
Obviously game wasn't even an afterthought. I only knew the outcome because the ASB adviser broadcast it on Facebook. I did bring my own wife and son back home after a few days - she has work and he has school. I have to at least spend a day getting my classes ready to work towards the concert, without me if necessary. As of today, dad is kind of doing better, but he's not great. Even a 'recovery' would put him back to status quo, which was sketchy to begin with. So I need to be ready to leave again, at a moments notice... and until further notice.
The weird thing is that even given the number of things that can go wrong this month - I'm kind of getting Zen about it. I feel funny about calling it an 'advantage' - but there is a calming peace that comes with realizing that you can give the world the middle finger once in a while and take care of what's important.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
For Whom the Bell Tolls 2013 - Follow-Up
My student teacher was, not surprisingly, shocked by her poor evaluation. She immediately communicated her displeasure to the university student teacher coordinator, stating that she didn't agree with much of it. He called a meeting that included the three of us, as well as her university adviser (who also panned her in his own evaluation)
I came out of that meeting with more concerns than going in, because it was clear to me that she couldn't wrap her mind around why her evaluation came out the way it did. She's confused about what the expectations are, and what adjustments she should make from here on out. And while one can argue that as her advisers and mentors, we do have a responsibility to clarify things... I have to admit that I, at least, am starting to feel like the parent who is helping their kid a little too much on the homework assignments. Teachers are supposed to help develop 504 plans, not require them for themselves.
She's trying to move forward, but it is slow going. Her projection of her 'presence' in the classroom is still weak. Her lesson plans lack organization and focus. Her musical knowledge is riddled with holes... She's still in danger of not passing, and the scary thing is I don't think she understands how far behind she is in a lot of areas.
All the while I'm looking at that approaching 2-week block in January where she's supposed to take over some of my classes... And I'm wondering exactly how large of a mop-up job I'll have on my hands when it's over :-/
I came out of that meeting with more concerns than going in, because it was clear to me that she couldn't wrap her mind around why her evaluation came out the way it did. She's confused about what the expectations are, and what adjustments she should make from here on out. And while one can argue that as her advisers and mentors, we do have a responsibility to clarify things... I have to admit that I, at least, am starting to feel like the parent who is helping their kid a little too much on the homework assignments. Teachers are supposed to help develop 504 plans, not require them for themselves.
She's trying to move forward, but it is slow going. Her projection of her 'presence' in the classroom is still weak. Her lesson plans lack organization and focus. Her musical knowledge is riddled with holes... She's still in danger of not passing, and the scary thing is I don't think she understands how far behind she is in a lot of areas.
All the while I'm looking at that approaching 2-week block in January where she's supposed to take over some of my classes... And I'm wondering exactly how large of a mop-up job I'll have on my hands when it's over :-/
Dangerous Games
I'm running something of a risky experiment. I decided to cancel the pep band appearance at this Friday's football game. My reasons include 1) possibility of rain (which actually, is getting less likely as Friday approaches :-/ 2) The number of students that will be absent because of the Thanksgiving holiday (which is kind of true). I probably could have scrounged up something of a band, but it would have been tiny.... I mean significantly smaller than our band is on a regular basis, which is pretty damn small for a high school band to begin with. I mean you tell me: is it better to have no band at all, or an appearance by the musical equivalent of the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree?
I might get an inquiry from the administration, and I might get a few phone calls and e-mails from football parents - I'm prepared for that. It certainly won't be enough to get me fired, and it's unlikely that it will result in any formal disciplinary action against me. Unlikely. I think. So why am I doing this? First and foremost, it's Thanksgiving... and my band has been faithfully appearing at the home games since the beginning of the year. They deserve a break. But secondly, I'm testing to see how the climate of the community has changed since the terror regime of Principal Palpatine, who attempted to use the band as a bargaining chip with the infamously influential football crowd. Janeway appears to have no such ambition, and (so far) has been equally supportive of the music program as she is of athletics. Appears to be. So far.
It is also significant to note that our football team is far more successful now than they were during Palpatine's rule. The football parents are, I'm guessing, less desperate for public support. Back in our mostly-losing years, the parents tended to complain about everything - the lack of general attendance at the games, the quality of the cheer program, the size of the band (and the lack of uniforms). One parent, suggested to the AD that the school should require students to attend the games (because, you know, forcing someone to do something always generates enthusiasm). Another mom wrote an angry letter to the cheer adviser, telling her that the team was losing because the cheerleaders failed at getting the audience appropriately hyped up (she offered to come in and give the girls a pep talk).
With our current winning streak, the football parents have been (on average) more appreciative of the band presence - that's just a rough estimate based on the number of salutes and pats-on-the-back I get as people leave the stadium at the end of the game.
Early data from the experiment so far:
* Most of the people (staff) at the school who know about my decision don't seem overly concerned. The Athletic Director just shrugged. The only person who gave me grief was the cheer adviser - which is kind of funny because she's missing the game herself due to her own holiday plans (she's sending the girls with a chaperone :-/)
* The band itself is kind of split - some of the kids were happy to get their holiday weekend back, but some really wanted to go.
* As nice as it is that I get more time with my own family, I just might spend a lot of it worrying about the reaction to our absence. I'm trying to beat those thoughts back with the security of knowing
that 1) I have rep to burn 2) Our appearance at the (very likely) following championship game will probably smooth everything out. Probably.
Will let you know how that works out.
I might get an inquiry from the administration, and I might get a few phone calls and e-mails from football parents - I'm prepared for that. It certainly won't be enough to get me fired, and it's unlikely that it will result in any formal disciplinary action against me. Unlikely. I think. So why am I doing this? First and foremost, it's Thanksgiving... and my band has been faithfully appearing at the home games since the beginning of the year. They deserve a break. But secondly, I'm testing to see how the climate of the community has changed since the terror regime of Principal Palpatine, who attempted to use the band as a bargaining chip with the infamously influential football crowd. Janeway appears to have no such ambition, and (so far) has been equally supportive of the music program as she is of athletics. Appears to be. So far.
It is also significant to note that our football team is far more successful now than they were during Palpatine's rule. The football parents are, I'm guessing, less desperate for public support. Back in our mostly-losing years, the parents tended to complain about everything - the lack of general attendance at the games, the quality of the cheer program, the size of the band (and the lack of uniforms). One parent, suggested to the AD that the school should require students to attend the games (because, you know, forcing someone to do something always generates enthusiasm). Another mom wrote an angry letter to the cheer adviser, telling her that the team was losing because the cheerleaders failed at getting the audience appropriately hyped up (she offered to come in and give the girls a pep talk).
With our current winning streak, the football parents have been (on average) more appreciative of the band presence - that's just a rough estimate based on the number of salutes and pats-on-the-back I get as people leave the stadium at the end of the game.
Early data from the experiment so far:
* Most of the people (staff) at the school who know about my decision don't seem overly concerned. The Athletic Director just shrugged. The only person who gave me grief was the cheer adviser - which is kind of funny because she's missing the game herself due to her own holiday plans (she's sending the girls with a chaperone :-/)
* The band itself is kind of split - some of the kids were happy to get their holiday weekend back, but some really wanted to go.
* As nice as it is that I get more time with my own family, I just might spend a lot of it worrying about the reaction to our absence. I'm trying to beat those thoughts back with the security of knowing
that 1) I have rep to burn 2) Our appearance at the (very likely) following championship game will probably smooth everything out. Probably.
Will let you know how that works out.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
The Human Connection
Had short, but very deep discussions with two different students today, the kind that breaks down barriers between people and draws direct lines of commonality between souls. I know that may sound.... inappropriate. It wasn't. At least.... I don't think so.
The first one happened when I was giving advice to one of my graduating seniors - a kid who suddenly decided that he wanted to be a music major, even though he is kind of behind on his playing skills. I told him about my own journey - switching majors after three years of college, and having to catch up to my peers after having being only a casual musician. It was hard, but not impossible (and honestly, after all this time, I feel like I'm still 'catching up')
It was in the middle of that story that he caught me off guard - "What made you switch majors?" Being that he's a senior and one of my most trusted, I told him the story. The real one.
"I had a crush on a girl that didn't go well. I made myself miserable, and I blamed it on her... effectively ending the friendship. I kept myself miserable for months until I realized what a jerk I was being, and how pathetic I was for expecting someone else to come rescue me from my own low self esteem. I needed something to lift me up... but it had to come from me. I had to own it."
He looked at me kind of wide eyed. Then he told me how he was recently crushed after a failed attempt at asking a girl to Homecoming... and I was getting the feeling that he was amazed that someone would understand his feelings so completely, despite the age difference.
The bell rang... we both had class to get to.
Exactly one hour later, one of my other students casually asked If I was familiar with a book she was reading. I wasn't. I am embarrassed to admit that I don't remember the title now - but that doesn't matter. What does matter is that in a conversation that lasted less than four minutes, we managed to leap from the subject of the book to the fact that both of us struggle with the agnostic dilemma of facing our mortality without the benefit of belief in the hereafter. It's actually one of the most basic issues that drives my psyche - and it is so terrifying that I rarely discuss it. Not with my closest friends. Not with my wife, even. So how is it that this discussion just popped out as easily as if we were talking about the winter line-up of flavors at Starbucks? I don't know.
Before I could figure it out, the bell rang (again) and (again) we both had places to be.
But now I know that there is a boy who knows what it's like to be a 19-year-old me who just saw the object of his affection lip-locked with another guy, and that there's a girl who knows how scared the six-year-old me felt when he realized that he, like everyone and everything else, would end someday. It comforts me, as I hope it does them.
Teacher, student... the universe eventually washes these labels away. What's left is 'human'... and perhaps the most important thing to know is that we are, in fact not alone.
The first one happened when I was giving advice to one of my graduating seniors - a kid who suddenly decided that he wanted to be a music major, even though he is kind of behind on his playing skills. I told him about my own journey - switching majors after three years of college, and having to catch up to my peers after having being only a casual musician. It was hard, but not impossible (and honestly, after all this time, I feel like I'm still 'catching up')
It was in the middle of that story that he caught me off guard - "What made you switch majors?" Being that he's a senior and one of my most trusted, I told him the story. The real one.
"I had a crush on a girl that didn't go well. I made myself miserable, and I blamed it on her... effectively ending the friendship. I kept myself miserable for months until I realized what a jerk I was being, and how pathetic I was for expecting someone else to come rescue me from my own low self esteem. I needed something to lift me up... but it had to come from me. I had to own it."
He looked at me kind of wide eyed. Then he told me how he was recently crushed after a failed attempt at asking a girl to Homecoming... and I was getting the feeling that he was amazed that someone would understand his feelings so completely, despite the age difference.
The bell rang... we both had class to get to.
Exactly one hour later, one of my other students casually asked If I was familiar with a book she was reading. I wasn't. I am embarrassed to admit that I don't remember the title now - but that doesn't matter. What does matter is that in a conversation that lasted less than four minutes, we managed to leap from the subject of the book to the fact that both of us struggle with the agnostic dilemma of facing our mortality without the benefit of belief in the hereafter. It's actually one of the most basic issues that drives my psyche - and it is so terrifying that I rarely discuss it. Not with my closest friends. Not with my wife, even. So how is it that this discussion just popped out as easily as if we were talking about the winter line-up of flavors at Starbucks? I don't know.
Before I could figure it out, the bell rang (again) and (again) we both had places to be.
But now I know that there is a boy who knows what it's like to be a 19-year-old me who just saw the object of his affection lip-locked with another guy, and that there's a girl who knows how scared the six-year-old me felt when he realized that he, like everyone and everything else, would end someday. It comforts me, as I hope it does them.
Teacher, student... the universe eventually washes these labels away. What's left is 'human'... and perhaps the most important thing to know is that we are, in fact not alone.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
For Whom the Bell Tolls 2013
I just had to submit a rather brutal evaluation for my student teacher. The teacher preparation process is supposed to nurture and prepare tomorrow's educators... but occasionally it has to be the shield that protects schools from people who shouldn't be in the classroom. I fear this year's student teaching arrangement is creeping towards the latter, if not hurtling.
I confess: I wonder if I am the right person to have taken on this apprentice. Her shortcomings would have been better served by someone more organized, methodical... and who is dealing with less educational baggage. (I am, after all, still trying to figure my own shit out.) I'm not taking responsibility for her, and I know I have my strengths (fortunately, they compensate for my weaknesses) But I feel like I'm not giving her much that she can take away and use herself. Maybe that's just my own teacher instinct kicking in: "How could I have helped her more?"
Last year's student teacher worked out better because she didn't 'need' me - she just needed the opportunity to get up and do her thing. I mean, yeah... she had to adjust here and there, and we put in plenty of time in reflection and feedback. But I held her hand far less, and I was never in fear for the integrity of my classroom.
*Sigh*
So yeah... I just filled out the evaluation online, and I hit "send" knowing full well that my current struggling , delicate little flower of a ST will, within seconds, receive an e-mail notifying her of my completion of the task, and that she can review it immediately.
She's taking the day off tomorrow to complete some other credential projects.
Monday will be interesting.
I confess: I wonder if I am the right person to have taken on this apprentice. Her shortcomings would have been better served by someone more organized, methodical... and who is dealing with less educational baggage. (I am, after all, still trying to figure my own shit out.) I'm not taking responsibility for her, and I know I have my strengths (fortunately, they compensate for my weaknesses) But I feel like I'm not giving her much that she can take away and use herself. Maybe that's just my own teacher instinct kicking in: "How could I have helped her more?"
Last year's student teacher worked out better because she didn't 'need' me - she just needed the opportunity to get up and do her thing. I mean, yeah... she had to adjust here and there, and we put in plenty of time in reflection and feedback. But I held her hand far less, and I was never in fear for the integrity of my classroom.
*Sigh*
So yeah... I just filled out the evaluation online, and I hit "send" knowing full well that my current struggling , delicate little flower of a ST will, within seconds, receive an e-mail notifying her of my completion of the task, and that she can review it immediately.
She's taking the day off tomorrow to complete some other credential projects.
Monday will be interesting.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Bullet Points for November
* I have decided that I like our new boss - she is now officially "Captain Janeway" for this blog.
* Annoying girl in band tried to dismantle her instrument during a recent football game in an attempt to generate an excuse to sit with her non-band friends in the stands instead of with the band. Nice try, kid.
*The following are quotes from... someone I work with
.
#1 Me: Ew... I stepped on a spider. At least it doesn't look like one of the poisonous ones.
?: I didn't know there were different kinds.
#2 Me: Sometimes you have to pick and choose what you share about composers. Might be tricky discussing with middle schoolers whether or not Tchaikovsky was gay.
?: There were gay people back then?
* Annoying girl in band tried to dismantle her instrument during a recent football game in an attempt to generate an excuse to sit with her non-band friends in the stands instead of with the band. Nice try, kid.
*The following are quotes from... someone I work with
.
#1 Me: Ew... I stepped on a spider. At least it doesn't look like one of the poisonous ones.
?: I didn't know there were different kinds.
#2 Me: Sometimes you have to pick and choose what you share about composers. Might be tricky discussing with middle schoolers whether or not Tchaikovsky was gay.
?: There were gay people back then?
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Dude Looks Like a Lady
So, the transgender issue has officially hit my classroom. Kind of. Well, I'm not sure 'transgender' is the right word. 'Cross-dressing' perhaps. It's all so confusing. Gender/sexual orientation issues are like cable television. We used to have 4 choices.... now there are like 500. I'm not sure the kid is gay, and he doesn't refer to himself as a 'she'. That part doesn't make a difference to me - however he wants to manage that is up to him. The only part that concerns me is that he's taken to wearing feminine attire - and he did it at a recent concert.
I saw this developing over time - I had time to prepare myself. I was also fortunate to have been watching the media, and saw the concerns for transgender students filter through the state administration. And to be honest, I don't know that I care about the basic idea of having a boy dressed like a girl on stage. I mean, yeah... I grew up rather sheltered and socially conservative (not so much religiously) and there's a lot about transwhateverism that I can't really wrap my mind around. And while I'm not narrow-minded enough to reject the issue outright, I do kind of want to roll my eyes at it. In the interests of 'walking the walk' when it comes to tolerance, I let it go. I believe 'tolerance' isn't as much about fully embracing things as it is trying to co-exist peacefully with things you don't 'get'. That, and I actually do like this kid, and want to help him through his difficulties.
There is one issue I have with the kid, though. It isn't so much that he's dressing like a girl - he's dressing to stand out. The skirt he wore on stage was split up to his thigh, and his high heels radiated like white beacons in a sea of black. Now, he's actually a nice kid. He's not disrespectful or troublesome.... in fact he's very quiet and introverted. Fragile, even. But there's something desperate about him... like he needs to get something out into the world - something loud, and he doesn't know how else to do it. That observation isn't just based on his clothing gender preference, there's other evidence too. At more casual department events, he refrains from socializing but uses a small portable audio system to blast music. When he's wearing the group polo shirt for informal performances, he simultaneously wears something else that's bright neon colored (pants or leggings) It seems obvious to me - he's a shy kid screaming at the universe.
I empathize with that, but I also am trying to run a student program that utilizes a uniform. It isn't a control issue on my part. Honest. The thing about a uniform in a musical group is that it equalizes the importance of the members - much the same way a sport uniform does. Distinction comes through performance, not appearance. It's also a way of showing respect to your team members - that you are not using them as a means of comparison to make yourself more important.... that just seems selfish to me.
With that in mind, here's the discussion I'm going to have with him: Wear a skirt, but wear one that meets the school's dress code for girls. Wear the heels, but wear black ones, because that's what's in the concert attire expectations.
I'll let you know how that goes.
I saw this developing over time - I had time to prepare myself. I was also fortunate to have been watching the media, and saw the concerns for transgender students filter through the state administration. And to be honest, I don't know that I care about the basic idea of having a boy dressed like a girl on stage. I mean, yeah... I grew up rather sheltered and socially conservative (not so much religiously) and there's a lot about transwhateverism that I can't really wrap my mind around. And while I'm not narrow-minded enough to reject the issue outright, I do kind of want to roll my eyes at it. In the interests of 'walking the walk' when it comes to tolerance, I let it go. I believe 'tolerance' isn't as much about fully embracing things as it is trying to co-exist peacefully with things you don't 'get'. That, and I actually do like this kid, and want to help him through his difficulties.
There is one issue I have with the kid, though. It isn't so much that he's dressing like a girl - he's dressing to stand out. The skirt he wore on stage was split up to his thigh, and his high heels radiated like white beacons in a sea of black. Now, he's actually a nice kid. He's not disrespectful or troublesome.... in fact he's very quiet and introverted. Fragile, even. But there's something desperate about him... like he needs to get something out into the world - something loud, and he doesn't know how else to do it. That observation isn't just based on his clothing gender preference, there's other evidence too. At more casual department events, he refrains from socializing but uses a small portable audio system to blast music. When he's wearing the group polo shirt for informal performances, he simultaneously wears something else that's bright neon colored (pants or leggings) It seems obvious to me - he's a shy kid screaming at the universe.
I empathize with that, but I also am trying to run a student program that utilizes a uniform. It isn't a control issue on my part. Honest. The thing about a uniform in a musical group is that it equalizes the importance of the members - much the same way a sport uniform does. Distinction comes through performance, not appearance. It's also a way of showing respect to your team members - that you are not using them as a means of comparison to make yourself more important.... that just seems selfish to me.
With that in mind, here's the discussion I'm going to have with him: Wear a skirt, but wear one that meets the school's dress code for girls. Wear the heels, but wear black ones, because that's what's in the concert attire expectations.
I'll let you know how that goes.
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