Pat your dog every once in a while...

.... and tell him he's a good boy.

So this year I decided to put together a "Best Of" CD of all the top performances, solo and group. I'm not really marketing it to people, but I am giving copies to administrators, district muckity-mucks and what not.

Out of all the people who got them (about 16 or so) I think only two will actually listen to it. One of them is the AP who attended almost all the concerts where we made the recordings. The other is our local school board representative. She just sent me an e-mail:

Thank you for sending a copy of the *MY SCHOOL* Music Department’s performances. You should be proud of the wonderful program you have developed at *MY SCHOOL*. I will play this in my car as a constant reminder of our talented students.

You know, had I gotten little pick-me-ups like this at my last school, I might not have left.

The rock around which the river flows

Graduation Day always brings on a smothering lonliness. Being the last day of school, the kids can't get out of here fast enough. It leaves me alone in a room I'm not used to being alone in.
I torture myself by listening to a performance of a slow bluesy song that one of our seniors did at our winter concert. I have so many things to do.... gradebooks, cleaning.... and all I can manage is to sit in my chair like a rag doll and let the memories wash over me.

They leave... every last one of them. I don't mean to say that it's unfair... but it hurts all the same.

For the last four years I went out and bought a card for each one of my seniors. This year I didn't. There were too many of them, and I had no time to sit down and write them... what with the end of the year rush and Palpatine constantly throwing a wrench in my spiritual/emotional works. I felt unready for today, like taking a test I wasn't study for.

Nietzsche was right

I should be shaking like a leaf right now. Now 20 minutes ago, I had a near shouting match with Palpatine. The short version is this:

Palpatine: So, you're all set for playing graduation?

Me: No, this is the first I've heard of it.

Palpatine: But... you played it last year....

Me: That's because you approached me about it last year. This year I didn't get so much as a e-mail.

What ensued was a heated discussion about professionalism and expectations. She used the words "marching band".... I told her we didn't have one. (That felt good) I'm sure a lot her manner also had to do with other crisis she's dealing with (I don't envy her). But in the end, I told her I would see what we could do about getting a small ensemble there (and honestly.... I will)

Usually, I roll over and take it. Today I didn't. As a result of that, I may have wiped my shot at keeping AP Music Theory alive... but I feel better about that than I would have waiting for other people to stand up for me (again).

"The Mother of all battles"

... Palpatine is still telling people that we're starting a marching band. I'm very cheerily telling people behind the scenses that I have nothing to do with it, and that I will never again be a high school band director. (although it did occur to me... If I did leave *MY SCHOOL* I most likely would end up doing marching band again. However it might be worth it to face the field again if it meant getting away from a micro-managing tyrant.)

...In ten days I'll be on a plane heading towards Mozart and Beethoven's home town.... *sigh*....

Summer Sky

When did the days get long?

This afternoon I visited the family of a former student. They tried to get me to stay for dinner, but I had to leave, I had to do some last minute Father's Day shopping (The Errol Flynn DVD set.... If he doesn't like it, I'll take it back off his hands.) I hadn't realized how long I had stayed for. By the time I got out of Borders it was well after 8 p.m. and there was still remnants of sunlight in the sky.

Ahhh... the endless glow of Summer... Usually it is a welcome sight. Usually I watch the days get longer, noting the time of each sunset once April starts to wane. This year it snuck up on me... mostly because my attention was absorbed in my 2nd Semester crisis.

I just realized that I associate summer with sunsets, rather than the blazing image of a mid-day sun. Perhaps it is because it marks the closing of the school year.

Today it hit me how many people I say goodbye to this year. It also occured to me that I percieve the students passage through *MY SCHOOL* in generations... of which I count two since my hiring. Next year's graduation will mark the end of the second. The approaching third is a mystery to me. I do not yet forsee who will be its leaders. I hope to see a fourth and fifth... maybe a sixth.

Do I look surprised?

One of my colleagues cornered me in a side hallway while I was on my way back from the men's room.

"Keep your eye on Weasel" she said. I just gave her a knowing nod. She continued as if I was completely unaware of Weasel's activities: "I heard him talking about the music department... and you... in a not-so-nice way... to parents." I closed my eyes, raised my eyebrows and gave another knowing nod.

"Yeah..... I've been aware of Weasel for some time."

Weasel and I have been civil to each other since our confrontation... but I never fooled myself into thinking that he had changed his mind about me. I'm not surprised.

I am concerned... of course, I don't want anyone talking trash about me or the music program... but I don't feel terribly threatened. Weasel's credibility among the populace is more than sketchy (except, of course, Palpatine. She loves that kid so much I've considered re-naming him Anakin). But it's clear that I have way more supporters than critics right now. You don't have to go far to find testimonies that would counter anything he had to say. Plus, I've just completed two very successful concerts. Make no mistake, the parents are happy right now.

Its also no surprise that the group that Weasel performs in gave the weakest performance... being that it contains the highest percentage of half-motivated students. (Weasel among them. He's a good player, but a crap attitude, and he won't lift a finger to do anything besides show up and play..... and he's bittter that I won't worship him, go figure.)

Well, there's nothing to do, really. Weasel's grade is secured, since he managed to pull his rehearsal arrival back to an appropriate time. Can't really write him up for being a class-A asshole. I just have to let it ride, and let my supporters counter the bad talk.

You know, I really feel sorry for him. Weasel's transformation this year is a result of his deperate bid for popularity with the "in" crowd. Let me tell you, this is one socially awkward kid who barely had the skills to be accepted with the much-more-forgiving music crowd than with the moral abyss that is the popular circle. I've been told that people have fbeen giving him feigned acceptance with the sole intent of using him (apparently there were a couple of parties at his house that got out of control.) He's also traded tutoring for party invitations. Ugh.

There was a time not too long ago that he would have found safe-haven in the music rooms. If anyone bothered him we would have said "Yeah, he's a dork... but he's our dork... so leave him alone!" But now, distanced from us, and being abused by the people he wants acceptance from.

I'll be surprised if he makes it to his senior year. My god, if Palpatine lasts that long.... we're doubly screwed.

"Have a great Summer - XOXOXOX"

Here I sit on the eve of my last concert.... my last official responsibility for the 2006-2007 school year. As graduation looms closer, the image of Palpatine starts to fade in the mist of memories that starts to form around my classroom. This year I graduate a very powerful class, including many of my most talented and most dedicated performers. Some have been with me since their 7th grade year.

Yearbooks came out this week. Most teachers find them a distraction in class... usually by this time I'm done with my performances, and I'm passing around my own book for signing (I've purchased one every year since my first at *MY SCHOOL* This afternoon I read through some of the stuff penned by my students. A lot of it was pleasant yearbook euphemisms. But one senior wrote that since her father died (freshman year I think) she had looked to me as sort of a father-figure. Thats a very powerful statement... I was stunned.

As teachers we hope to give them the tools to survive in their continuing education. We hope to give them a little beyond that to enrich their lives. Every so often we impart gifts that are so profound... and yet we may not be aware of our own influence. It's very.... humbling.

"My senior project: I made brownies!!!"

My mom once told me that when my uncle died, one of the last things he said was "You know, I never really tried...."

I thought about this today as I was helping evaluate the senior project presentations.

Every June the school sets aside two days for all seniors to have their projects evaluated by a panle of faculty and community members. Some of the presentations are amazing, most are merely adequate. Some are embarassingly bad.... to the point where I want to shake some of these kids and scream "You had an opportunity to do a project that involved getting into something...anything.... so long as it was your passion... and you couldn't even manage the bare-fucking-minimum!?"

I keep thinking about grad school, and how many people dropped out because they couldn't hack the thesis project. A lot of people think the mediocrity will get them through (and a disturbing amount think that they will triumph through it.)

There's a girl I know who should come and talk to our juniors. Her name is Samantha Larson, and I don't mind using her real name because she's just made herself internationally famous. I know her because she's a musician, a fine oboist. But it wasn't her musical skills that got her in the news. Sam graduated from Long Becah Poly H.S. in 2006 and decided to take a year off before college so that she could train to climb Mt. Everest. She completed that goal just last month. The fact that she climbed Everest puts her in a pretty small percentage of the world population. That alone kicks the crap out of amost anything our seniors could have come up with. But see, it's not just Everest... As of May 17th she's the youngest person in the world to climb the Seven Summits.

Sam crossed my mind today as some kid was trying to explain the personal growth he experienced from the process of assembling his own computer.

I don't mean to be overly critical... I really have seen some fine projects come through... projects that the kids should be proud of. And I know that the Sam Larsons of the world are truly rare. But even if it's not within all or even most of us to be uniquely phenomenal... you would think that more people would aspire, at least, to not suck.

Why I always wanted to be a teacher....

...so that I can crush the hopes and dreams of my students and grind them into a pile of gravel.

So today I posted the results of the auditions for my advanced choir. It's one of my least favorite days of the year. Couple of girls in particular ended up in tears, girls that I have an affection for. I don't regret my decisions... I just hate this part of it.

But here's the part I really hate. Steadily over the last few years, the returning members have been prone to grumbling right about now. They don't agree with my choices. They think that next year will be bad. One kid even approached me today, concerned about the "declining quality" in the group. Given the fact that I just denied his brother membership, there's a good chance he'll drop.

There's a couple of things here that piss me off. First of all there's the general short-sightedness that teenagers are sometimes prone to. They don't see the larger picture. They don't understand the nature of change. In particular, there's a phenomenon I like to call "Senior Disillusionment" that is particularly annoying: They fight to get to the top, then when they get there, they find themselves bored, dissinterested and resentful of the fact that things aren't as exciting as when they were younger. I guess it's too much to ask for altruism in ones senior year; to have the compassion to turn around and give to the lower classes the same level of inspiration that upperclassmen once gave them. I don't know whats worse, the ones that just dump it all and quit, or the ones that cling on even though they've lost the will to even show up to rehearsal on a regular basis.

The second is simply this... every time a kid jumps ship (or even talks about it) when things start to look bad... I think of all the times I could have and maybe should have done the same, but didn't. (That includes now)

I know it's mostly talk... especially that bunch. And it's far from everyone. But it irks me nonetheless.

In other News: Palpatine vs. ASB Director... It's not much of a match, but I'm a gonna sit back and watch these two mega-mutated monsters trash Tokyo.

"You kids and your music..."

So I chaperoned prom last night. An interesting thing happens every time I chaperone a dance: people (mostly the other chaperones) seem determined to commiserate a perceived reaction to the music on my part. They believe that because I am a trained musician with a preference for classical, I therefore must loath modern pop.

But see, the thing…. is I am a trained musician, philosophically as well as technically. I’ve spent considerable time contemplating the meaning, purpose and value of music in our lives. And one thing that keeps making itself evident to me is the fact that there is no genre of music that is any more or any less valid than any other. I can not place classical above rap in the cosmic structure of universal meaning… simply because there are millions of people out there for whom rap music is the most meaningful. When we start doing that sort of thing, then we start comparing everything to everything else, regardless of origin. We start saying that Mozart has greater value than the simple song of the African bushman, or the devout offerings of a Hindu raga. We also deny the fact that maybe it was a Christina Aguilera song that gave some poor, young lost soul the strength not to take her own life.

No, I won’t go there.

I do not believe in superiority of genre. I do believe that artists in all genres make music for the right or wrong reasons. Music is most powerful when the value of any given product is inherent in the product itself, and not as a result of the product. In other words, I believe that we should make music because the music is worth making, not because it will make us smarter, earn us money, make us famous, or prove that we are better than other musicians. Music should entertain but more importantly it should inspire, express our inner workings and stir our being – physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.

But who am I to decide which music does these things… and for who?

So when one of my colleagues comes up to me and says “Can you believe this crap that these kids listen to these days?” I just smile and say “Yes…. Yes I can.”

After all, were they saying anything different about us when I was in high school?

Cold War

Things have decidedly turned for the better. Palpatine has allowed the counseling department to re-work the numbers so that the horde of incoming 7th graders is managable. She's also promised to allow students who do not wish to be in music to transfer.

It's definitely an improvement, but you know leopards and spots. Palpatine has learned never to say the "MB" word around me, but she's sure using it in the community. I even had a PE teacher approach me about his concern that a marching band would take students out of PE. (he'd heard rumors).

I heard another one: Palpatine apparently told someone she's planning on staying another 2-3 years. I was hoping for one... But it makes no difference, I've made my decision. I'm dug in.

But change is coming for sure. My entire life, I've always operated under the premise that things should be rosy between me and my supervisors (kind of like Haydn and his patron, Prince Eszterhausy... quite the mutual admiration society they had). But I've resigned myself that for the entirety of my stay in the Imperial reign, we're going to have a classic US/Soviet stand-off (or a game of chess, if you will). I don't like it this way, but unfortunately I have little choice. I've held back on having parents and students contact her with concerns. But perhaps it's good if she has continual reminders that some people think that I've actually been doing a pretty good job, low enrollment aside.

I also found out the other day that one of the counselors stood up to her in a meeting regarding the music dept., and basically got yelled at for it (by her account, anyway). It felt a little wierd hearing that... I certainly didn't want anyone getting in trouble on my behalf. But it seems that she wasn't doing it for me so much as she was speaking out against something she thought was just flat out wrong.

I know this is still a dangerous place to be... even more so since I've started to play some of my cards. From what I understand, I'm nowhere near the top of the Imperial "hit list"... and I have no desire to get there. But the days of open honesty, trust and freely given loyalty are gone.