Ten years ago...

.... I met with my principal because a student had complained about me.  The principal at the time was someone that I did not get along with, as was the student. It was a difficult ordeal but the fact that I knew that the claim against me was biased held me get through it.

Today I met with my admin, and once again, questions have been raised about my commitment and my...'passion'.   Students complained.  I do not know who, how many, nor from which of my classes they came.  I knew better than to ask.

To be sure, this principal is very different from the one from ten years ago.  This is one I get along with well.  I think she's fair.  I think she's genuinely concerned for the health and well being of the program.  When asked about my 'passion' I admitted that I had become more domestic in recent years, given the age of my son.  I still work hard for my students, but late nights are harder, and I avoid weekends a bit more.  Also, I try to keep concerts short.

My wife thinks my honesty was a mistake.  She lives in the corporate world, where you never own your shortcomings.  I was honest because I trust my principal and I want to be honest with her.  But yes... maybe it was a mistake.

What there is no mistake about is how I feel right now.  Those of you that know me, know that my demons of self-doubt are particularly vicious. It is now 2 a.m. and I've pretty much given up on sleeping.


Oh... and.... the jazz band has all but imploded.  That's probably where the complaints came from, but it doesn't matter.  What matters is that I know in my soul there is substance to their complaints, even if their perspective is skewed.

The other thing I learned from this meeting?   The school foundation wants to cut funding for my music assistants.

Is this what burn-out feels like?