Watching the construction crew rupture a water pipe while tearing down one of the planters, then stand around for an hour while they try to find someone with the smarts to know what to do......
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Priceless
Renovation and "beautification" of the school's central quad - $1,000,000
Watching the construction crew rupture a water pipe while tearing down one of the planters, then stand around for an hour while they try to find someone with the smarts to know what to do......
Watching the construction crew rupture a water pipe while tearing down one of the planters, then stand around for an hour while they try to find someone with the smarts to know what to do......
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
New (School) Year's Resolution
I got a very interesting card from one of my graduating seniors. She was one of my top kids, and was co-president of the music club. In it, she thanked me for years of music and memories... but she also added somehting that made me think:
I think it was pretty obvious this year that my stress level was up, and my general happiness was down. But reading Ms. PianoSinger's card, I realized that people may have had a wrong impression about what I was going through. It suddenly dawned on me that people thought I was starting to hate the job... that I was disappointed in the students or the musical product. That I was in constant dismay over my principal went without saying. One of my colleagues even said that he wouldn't be surprised if I tried to move down to the elementary level.(1)
Truth be told, I was afraid that I was burning out. I was feeling the return of a demoralizing pattern that I got caught up in at my last school... where it seemed as if every day was just cycling around to that moment where I woke up and realized that I had to go to work.(2)
But the funny thing was... I never hated the job. I just had my confidence rattled, and I was beginning to doubt my ability.(3) At the end of 2006-2007, I'd had a series of conflicts with Principal Palpatine that left me bereft of the will to teach. I closed the year out badly, and spent the entire summer avoiding doing any prep work. I feel like the 2007-2008 school year was a constant struggle to recover from that. In short, I was miserable because I felt like I wasn't doing my job right, and I was afraid that I didn't have the will or the spirit to fix it.
So here is Ms. PianoSinger... hoping that the year was good enough for me... and here I was afraid that I wasn't a good enough teacher for her.
There's a bunch of warm fuzzies in there somewhere.
What she doesn't know is that she was instrumental(4) to my recovery. I had a bigger plate to deal with than ever.... and I didn't have the strength to handle it. Ms. PianoSinger, Captain Bass and a score of others jumped in to take part of the load, and had they not done that, there's no way we would have finished the year. But they did.... and we did.
It's only now, at the end of the year that I really feel my old self coming back(5) And here's the conclusion I've come to:
Whatever funk I went through this year... it was all my own doing. As much as I'd like to blame Palpatine, she wasn't the one keeping me from doing the prep work I was supposed to, and she wasn't the one that told me to procrastinate on just about every important project that I was involved with. I suppose you could say that had I kept my wits, 2007-2008 could have been better. Not that it was bad... but is was hard, and had I managed it better, I could have been happier. As it was.... I think it was a year-long sulk on my part.
But this post isn't about beating myself up. (6) It's more about a promise to take more responsibility for my situation. I've got my momentum back, and I intend to make next year more productive. I'm not saying that I'm not going to complain about Palpatine... I'm just going to stop blaming her for things that I have control over.
As for Ms. PianoSinger... I'm going to write her a long letter back. I think I'm going to say something like this:
1. We had a laugh over that.... we both know it would never take.
2. It was like my whole life was a series of dread-filled mornings.
3. A note to you rookie teachers: You're never to old to doubt yourself. I've been teaching for fourteen years now, and every once in a while I still get my cage rattled. It happens to the best of us. Just keep faith that things will get better.
4. Piano player.... instrumental.... *snort* get it? *snort*
5. How do I know? It's been six days since graduation.... and I've found a reason to go to my office every single day.
6. You guys know I'm reeeaaalllyyy good at that.
"I know this year was hard for you. You weren't the same carefree person you were the year before. Still, I hope it was all worth it. "
I think it was pretty obvious this year that my stress level was up, and my general happiness was down. But reading Ms. PianoSinger's card, I realized that people may have had a wrong impression about what I was going through. It suddenly dawned on me that people thought I was starting to hate the job... that I was disappointed in the students or the musical product. That I was in constant dismay over my principal went without saying. One of my colleagues even said that he wouldn't be surprised if I tried to move down to the elementary level.(1)
Truth be told, I was afraid that I was burning out. I was feeling the return of a demoralizing pattern that I got caught up in at my last school... where it seemed as if every day was just cycling around to that moment where I woke up and realized that I had to go to work.(2)
But the funny thing was... I never hated the job. I just had my confidence rattled, and I was beginning to doubt my ability.(3) At the end of 2006-2007, I'd had a series of conflicts with Principal Palpatine that left me bereft of the will to teach. I closed the year out badly, and spent the entire summer avoiding doing any prep work. I feel like the 2007-2008 school year was a constant struggle to recover from that. In short, I was miserable because I felt like I wasn't doing my job right, and I was afraid that I didn't have the will or the spirit to fix it.
So here is Ms. PianoSinger... hoping that the year was good enough for me... and here I was afraid that I wasn't a good enough teacher for her.
There's a bunch of warm fuzzies in there somewhere.
What she doesn't know is that she was instrumental(4) to my recovery. I had a bigger plate to deal with than ever.... and I didn't have the strength to handle it. Ms. PianoSinger, Captain Bass and a score of others jumped in to take part of the load, and had they not done that, there's no way we would have finished the year. But they did.... and we did.
It's only now, at the end of the year that I really feel my old self coming back(5) And here's the conclusion I've come to:
Whatever funk I went through this year... it was all my own doing. As much as I'd like to blame Palpatine, she wasn't the one keeping me from doing the prep work I was supposed to, and she wasn't the one that told me to procrastinate on just about every important project that I was involved with. I suppose you could say that had I kept my wits, 2007-2008 could have been better. Not that it was bad... but is was hard, and had I managed it better, I could have been happier. As it was.... I think it was a year-long sulk on my part.
But this post isn't about beating myself up. (6) It's more about a promise to take more responsibility for my situation. I've got my momentum back, and I intend to make next year more productive. I'm not saying that I'm not going to complain about Palpatine... I'm just going to stop blaming her for things that I have control over.
As for Ms. PianoSinger... I'm going to write her a long letter back. I think I'm going to say something like this:
There's that old parable about the man dreaming that he's walking with God on the beach. Well, it seems to me that the sands of 2007-2008 are littered with footprints of the people that carried me through. You are one of them.
1. We had a laugh over that.... we both know it would never take.
2. It was like my whole life was a series of dread-filled mornings.
3. A note to you rookie teachers: You're never to old to doubt yourself. I've been teaching for fourteen years now, and every once in a while I still get my cage rattled. It happens to the best of us. Just keep faith that things will get better.
4. Piano player.... instrumental.... *snort* get it? *snort*
5. How do I know? It's been six days since graduation.... and I've found a reason to go to my office every single day.
6. You guys know I'm reeeaaalllyyy good at that.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
The Curtain Falls Pt. 2: Graduation
Graduation Day came and went. After a while, graduations start to feel the same, just different faces walking by in robes and funny hats. I know that's a bad way of thinking about it... because every class is indeed special. That hits me when I'm back sitting in my office, waiting for the graduation traffic to clear out. It really hits me when I'm preparing the coming year's archives and have to delete the graduating class members from the rosters, locker assignments, instrument check-out, etc....
Ouch.
There was some last minute drama with Darth Dumbass: Since he was rejected to perform at graduation (1), he tried to muscle his way into the quartet that was singing the school's Alma Mater. He made a pretty big stink about being excluded from doing some kind of performance. The group caved in and let him try, but it turned out that he didn't even know the tenor part. That's when I thought the other singers were going to tar-and-feather him. (2) Fortunately, I didn't have to get involved. I didn't pick the performers for graduation, so the decision wasn't mine. The ASB adviser told DD that he only wanted a quartet, and that he'd have to sit out. (3)
I provided pre-show music for graduation again. A lot of music directors like the exposure of performing at graduation. I don't. I just want to say goodbye to my seniors... I don't want to have to worry about moving equipment. The compromise was that we just did a little jazz combo... no playing "Pomp and Circumstance" while the entire senior class walked in. (4)
Once the combo was done, I packed up and got everything back to the music rooms. I did this during the ceremony. It may seem irreverent, but I wanted to get my time in with the grads... and after the ceremony, the crowd makes it impossible to move equipment anyway. It's either get it done during the ceremony, or wait until an hour after. Riiiight.
It's a good thing I have rapport with maintenance guys... they loan me the use of one of their electric carts every year. I've gotten really good at driving up behind the tented stage, loading up the gear and slipping away so that the audience doesn't notice me.(5)
This year I was fast enough to make it back to the stage before my two best singers performed their graduation song. That got me. I was going to take pictures, but I had to slip back behind the tent so that the crowd wouldn't see me get all mushy.
After the whole thing was over, I managed to get a lot of photos in with the grads (although I was surprised at how many slipped away before I could get to them.) The big shocker was that DD's parents invited me to dinner that night... to a fancy restaurant at a local country club. I went as a show of good faith. DD was, after all, a student of mine for six years. DD himself wasn't there. He was at grad-night with the rest of the class. So I spent the evening talking to the family (including the grandparents) and DDs bass teacher. It was pleasant.
Part of me really didn't want to go... not because of the awkwardness of the DD situaiton, but because I really didn't get a chance to decompress after graduation. It might have been a good thing, though. Decompression usually means sitting alone in my office in a freakishly clean and barren rehearsal room feeling waves of empty-nest depression wash over me.
Its for that reason that I throw a beach party for the music kids the day after graduation....
1. He couldn't understand why they picked the girls singing the meaningful message over his noodling around on bass for three minutes.
2. Captain Bass in particular... He was so angry at DD he had to walk away and get his composure back.
3. Classic DD... He doesn't quite get the prepared = opportunity formula that applies to life.
4. You music people know how horrible that gig is. Sitting in the blazing sun playing for what feels like an hour on one piece. The only time I did it willingly was for my Masters degree, and that was because the band was sitting in the shade (while the graduates were sitting in the direct sun). No-brainer there.
5. It all feels very "Ocean's Eleven".... I even hum the "Mission Impossible" theme to myself as I'm driving away.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
The Curtain Falls Pt 1. The Last Days of School
This is a few days late... but I'm sure you all understand how it is with the last days of school... when you're executing a mass exodus, blogging isn't exactly a priority.
Got through finals okay. I know a lot of music teaches put effort into having a "real" final. I don't. Mostly cleaning, turning in instruments, gathering and organizing music folders and cleaning out lockers. The problem is, most of that doesn't take up a two-hour final block... so I have to find ways of keeping the younger classes from beating on each other in boredom. I resorted to throwing on a movie.
The middle-school boys are the most problematic. Sometimes I throw them sticks and practice pads and let them beat out their energy. This year, a group of them just went into a practice room and sat there with the lights off. (1) I think as long as there wasn't any raping, burning or pillaging involved, I got lucky.
My AP Theory class was kind of fun. there were only a handful on non-senior students there on final day. They had a composition project due in lieu of a written final, so after they turned that in, it was just hanging out and talking. One of them asked me what kind of music I listened to in high school. I said "We'll why don't I show you."
In my office is a big trunk that sits in the corner and accumulates various stacks of stuff on top of it. Inside is just about every cassette tape I ever bought. I dragged it out and we spent the next hour rummaging through it. It was pretty fun. (2)
The only class I hold a "final" in is choir. Each kid has to get up in front of the class and sing a solo song. I started doing that two years ago because I noticed how many people (mostly girls) were signing up for the class for an "easy A." Now, I admit, I'm not the hardest grader... not by a long shot. And to be honest, I am an easy A. But I at least expect the students in the class to care a little bit about singing and performing well. Sometimes I get these groups of girls who want to sit in the back, do their make-up and talk every day. The final is just one of the ways I hold them individually accountable.
This years choir class had 52 kids. We had a record number of kids (five or six) who didn't prepare a song. Not surprisingly, all of them were among the unmotivated faction. I called their name... they just looked at me. One of them complained later that the final was unfair. I told her "You knew from the beginning of the year that this was coming. If its so unfair, I'm wondering why you chose to stay."
The funny about these girls is that they've all become chummy with my accompanist, a guy who has been working at this school since... well since I was in high school. he's a good guy, and he's a hell of a piano player... but sometimes he makes attempts to rescue students that I am specifically trying to breath a little fire on. (3)
Anyway, it's all done and over with. The rooms are clean (even my office). Everything is organized. I even bought a new vacuum cleaner and broke it in on the choir room. (4) I know it's not my job to do that... but I've always done a lot of the cleaning of the music rooms myself. Two big rehearsal rooms, my office, plus eight practice rooms and four storage rooms. ... That's a lot of space to manage. But cleaning can be therapeutic... it's very zen. An ordering of the physical space equals an ordering of the mind. Also, it just seems to me that when you love something, you take care of it yourself.
Call me a workaholic if you want... I call it creating peace in my world.
1. No... I don't want to know.....
2. ....up until the point where they found the Michael Bolton tape hiding at the bottom. They gave me all sorts of crap for that.
3. He's like a grandfather. He can afford to be nice to the kids because ultimately he's not responsible for
dealing with their behavior.
4. The old one died in February.
Got through finals okay. I know a lot of music teaches put effort into having a "real" final. I don't. Mostly cleaning, turning in instruments, gathering and organizing music folders and cleaning out lockers. The problem is, most of that doesn't take up a two-hour final block... so I have to find ways of keeping the younger classes from beating on each other in boredom. I resorted to throwing on a movie.
The middle-school boys are the most problematic. Sometimes I throw them sticks and practice pads and let them beat out their energy. This year, a group of them just went into a practice room and sat there with the lights off. (1) I think as long as there wasn't any raping, burning or pillaging involved, I got lucky.
My AP Theory class was kind of fun. there were only a handful on non-senior students there on final day. They had a composition project due in lieu of a written final, so after they turned that in, it was just hanging out and talking. One of them asked me what kind of music I listened to in high school. I said "We'll why don't I show you."
In my office is a big trunk that sits in the corner and accumulates various stacks of stuff on top of it. Inside is just about every cassette tape I ever bought. I dragged it out and we spent the next hour rummaging through it. It was pretty fun. (2)
The only class I hold a "final" in is choir. Each kid has to get up in front of the class and sing a solo song. I started doing that two years ago because I noticed how many people (mostly girls) were signing up for the class for an "easy A." Now, I admit, I'm not the hardest grader... not by a long shot. And to be honest, I am an easy A. But I at least expect the students in the class to care a little bit about singing and performing well. Sometimes I get these groups of girls who want to sit in the back, do their make-up and talk every day. The final is just one of the ways I hold them individually accountable.
This years choir class had 52 kids. We had a record number of kids (five or six) who didn't prepare a song. Not surprisingly, all of them were among the unmotivated faction. I called their name... they just looked at me. One of them complained later that the final was unfair. I told her "You knew from the beginning of the year that this was coming. If its so unfair, I'm wondering why you chose to stay."
The funny about these girls is that they've all become chummy with my accompanist, a guy who has been working at this school since... well since I was in high school. he's a good guy, and he's a hell of a piano player... but sometimes he makes attempts to rescue students that I am specifically trying to breath a little fire on. (3)
Anyway, it's all done and over with. The rooms are clean (even my office). Everything is organized. I even bought a new vacuum cleaner and broke it in on the choir room. (4) I know it's not my job to do that... but I've always done a lot of the cleaning of the music rooms myself. Two big rehearsal rooms, my office, plus eight practice rooms and four storage rooms. ... That's a lot of space to manage. But cleaning can be therapeutic... it's very zen. An ordering of the physical space equals an ordering of the mind. Also, it just seems to me that when you love something, you take care of it yourself.
Call me a workaholic if you want... I call it creating peace in my world.
1. No... I don't want to know.....
2. ....up until the point where they found the Michael Bolton tape hiding at the bottom. They gave me all sorts of crap for that.
3. He's like a grandfather. He can afford to be nice to the kids because ultimately he's not responsible for
dealing with their behavior.
4. The old one died in February.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
The Senior Send-Off
This is probably premature... graduation isn't for a couple of days yet. But here's my senior send off:
Mr. BadAssBass - You are one of my great failures. I spent years teaching you that bass players can get away with everything from talking and eating in rehearsals to not having to show up at all. I hope that your continuing education will teach you differently.
Captain Bass - You gave me a lot of loyalty over the years... I hope it was worth it for you. I never gave you enough credit for everything you did... not until the very end. I hope it was enough.
Ms. ArtsyAlto - You are a truly beautiful human being. It's not so much that you are talented, it's that you use your talent to say things that are important. I have had many capable students, but few that get it. I'm not too proud to admit: I play favorites. You're one of them.
Mr. TallTenor - I don't know what happened. You were supposed to be one of my strongest seniors. I guess 08' was the year of 'Me.' In the end, I'm not angry, I'm just sad that it wasn't better.
Ms. SassySoprano - You were one of my best singers for a long time. I feel like you may have become a little jaded about singing in this last year. I hope you keep with it. It would be a shame for the world to lose a good performer. There were times when the only reason I pulled out some of those harder songs was because I knew you would hold the soprano part down.
Mr. DissatisfiedBass - I'm glad you stuck it out to the end. In particular, I'm impressed that even though you were tempted to quit, you never shirked on your responsibilities to the group. You were there every day, on time and you sung your part... even on the songs you hated. You rock.
Mr. PotSmokinSax - Gotta give you credit - you pulled it out of your ass in music theory class... and you didn't argue about assignments you may or may not have turned in... you simply went back and learned the material you were supposed to. Lay off the weed, and you'll do okay... you have the brains.
Mr. 1stChairViolin - Nice job on the Bach Double Violin Concerto. Only one complaint: you waited until your senior year to sign up for orchestra.... WTF?
Ms. CluelessViola - Remember what I said: When you apply for those music schools that won't accept you... you have to lie about who your high school music teacher was.
Ms. PianoSinger - I feel I may have failed you this year. Not enough recognition, perhaps. You have a strong sense of having things done properly, which clashed with my willingness to abandon protocol in favor of getting the job done. Maybe you lost respect for me because of that. Still, I hope it was a good year for you.
Mr. PerkyTenor - You may think you never stood out... because you were a middle-of-the-road tenor. Because you weren't one of the more dramatic members of the group. You stand out because you are a damn fine human being. I've told you so... many times.
Mr. 2ndTrombone - Dude... I think I've said like ten words to you the whole time you've been in jazz. Um..... hey, thanks for the great times! Take care and have a great summer!
Ms. GigglyAlto - I'm sorry music theory didn't work out for you. All the same, you had a smile and a hug when I needed one. That was worth a lot.
(more to come as I am inspired)
Mr. BadAssBass - You are one of my great failures. I spent years teaching you that bass players can get away with everything from talking and eating in rehearsals to not having to show up at all. I hope that your continuing education will teach you differently.
Captain Bass - You gave me a lot of loyalty over the years... I hope it was worth it for you. I never gave you enough credit for everything you did... not until the very end. I hope it was enough.
Ms. ArtsyAlto - You are a truly beautiful human being. It's not so much that you are talented, it's that you use your talent to say things that are important. I have had many capable students, but few that get it. I'm not too proud to admit: I play favorites. You're one of them.
Mr. TallTenor - I don't know what happened. You were supposed to be one of my strongest seniors. I guess 08' was the year of 'Me.' In the end, I'm not angry, I'm just sad that it wasn't better.
Ms. SassySoprano - You were one of my best singers for a long time. I feel like you may have become a little jaded about singing in this last year. I hope you keep with it. It would be a shame for the world to lose a good performer. There were times when the only reason I pulled out some of those harder songs was because I knew you would hold the soprano part down.
Mr. DissatisfiedBass - I'm glad you stuck it out to the end. In particular, I'm impressed that even though you were tempted to quit, you never shirked on your responsibilities to the group. You were there every day, on time and you sung your part... even on the songs you hated. You rock.
Mr. PotSmokinSax - Gotta give you credit - you pulled it out of your ass in music theory class... and you didn't argue about assignments you may or may not have turned in... you simply went back and learned the material you were supposed to. Lay off the weed, and you'll do okay... you have the brains.
Mr. 1stChairViolin - Nice job on the Bach Double Violin Concerto. Only one complaint: you waited until your senior year to sign up for orchestra.... WTF?
Ms. CluelessViola - Remember what I said: When you apply for those music schools that won't accept you... you have to lie about who your high school music teacher was.
Ms. PianoSinger - I feel I may have failed you this year. Not enough recognition, perhaps. You have a strong sense of having things done properly, which clashed with my willingness to abandon protocol in favor of getting the job done. Maybe you lost respect for me because of that. Still, I hope it was a good year for you.
Mr. PerkyTenor - You may think you never stood out... because you were a middle-of-the-road tenor. Because you weren't one of the more dramatic members of the group. You stand out because you are a damn fine human being. I've told you so... many times.
Mr. 2ndTrombone - Dude... I think I've said like ten words to you the whole time you've been in jazz. Um..... hey, thanks for the great times! Take care and have a great summer!
Ms. GigglyAlto - I'm sorry music theory didn't work out for you. All the same, you had a smile and a hug when I needed one. That was worth a lot.
(more to come as I am inspired)
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Sunset on 2007-2008
I am grateful for the closing of the school year... not in a "Bring on the Summer!" (1) kind of way ... but more for the way that everything seems to be falling into place. This time last year I was battling it out over graduation music with Palpatine... and I was wound so tight that I couldn't think of anything except getting the hell away from this campus. (2) I'm usually meticulous about how I close out the school year. Last year I just kind of shoved everything in the closet and ran.
This year, everything is happening ahead of schedule: The music is collected and (mostly) organized and filed. (3) All of my financial affairs are in order. (4) The music stands are collected in the corner. The clutter is starting to disappear. Ideas for the Fall are already starting to gather (5).
I am at peace.
Mormon Concert Report: A great success! Of course, I hung out for the dress rehearsal and what ended up being a 2 1/2 hr. concert to play one piece.(6) We played the Gershwin after intermission, which meant that for the entire first half, the saxes got a chance to bond in the green room over snacks(7). The concertmaster said I could leave the stage after we were done with Rhapsody, but I decided to stay. The second half was much shorter, and it was kind of nice to just close my eyes and let the sound of the chorus just wash over me.
Maybe I'll get lucky next year and they'll play Prokofiev or Debussy and need another sax section.
1. ...and the Strawberry-Bannana Margaritas.
2. Which pissed me off because that's not how I am... I'm supposed to love this place, so much so that I'm here on weekends and late after school when I don't need to be.
3. The kids took it upon themselves to put everything in score order. Awesome.
4. Although the ASB manager doesn't want to see me for a while. I've been in her office twelve times in the last three days, dropping off donations, collections, bills-to-pay... I think about 40% of her work load in the next few days is going to be tallying the music stuff. I'll bring her a box of chocolates.
5. I'm putting them on the backburner, though... let 'em simmer until mid July.
6. But when that piece is Rhapsody in Blue, one shouldn't complain.
7. Remember what I said about Mormons and food... they don't do anything without organizing a chips & dip committee. They eventually had to move the shrimp tray out of my reach.
This year, everything is happening ahead of schedule: The music is collected and (mostly) organized and filed. (3) All of my financial affairs are in order. (4) The music stands are collected in the corner. The clutter is starting to disappear. Ideas for the Fall are already starting to gather (5).
I am at peace.
Mormon Concert Report: A great success! Of course, I hung out for the dress rehearsal and what ended up being a 2 1/2 hr. concert to play one piece.(6) We played the Gershwin after intermission, which meant that for the entire first half, the saxes got a chance to bond in the green room over snacks(7). The concertmaster said I could leave the stage after we were done with Rhapsody, but I decided to stay. The second half was much shorter, and it was kind of nice to just close my eyes and let the sound of the chorus just wash over me.
Maybe I'll get lucky next year and they'll play Prokofiev or Debussy and need another sax section.
1. ...and the Strawberry-Bannana Margaritas.
2. Which pissed me off because that's not how I am... I'm supposed to love this place, so much so that I'm here on weekends and late after school when I don't need to be.
3. The kids took it upon themselves to put everything in score order. Awesome.
4. Although the ASB manager doesn't want to see me for a while. I've been in her office twelve times in the last three days, dropping off donations, collections, bills-to-pay... I think about 40% of her work load in the next few days is going to be tallying the music stuff. I'll bring her a box of chocolates.
5. I'm putting them on the backburner, though... let 'em simmer until mid July.
6. But when that piece is Rhapsody in Blue, one shouldn't complain.
7. Remember what I said about Mormons and food... they don't do anything without organizing a chips & dip committee. They eventually had to move the shrimp tray out of my reach.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Getting Back in the Saddle
This whole year I felt like I've been in a slump. I used to be much more productive... There's something about this year that's prevented me from getting everything done on schedule. Of course, with procrastination comes stress and anxiety. About a month ago I started waking up angry... angry that the first thing that booted up in the morning was my stress. I was tired, and I wanted my life back.
The problem was, I was rebelling against doing work outside of school. Planning, grading, preparing, writing e-mails, updating my website... none of it was getting done. I would go home with a full briefcase and basically leave it in the corner all night while I spent the night watching quality television programing with my wife.
You can see the vicious cycle at work here.
I wanted to blame Palpatine.... I really did. I wanted to say that because of her, I've lost the will to give that extra 20%. But what I feared in the depths of my souls was that I was... that I am... burning out.... Maybe I've just been here too long, doing the same thing year-in and year-out. Despite Palpatine making my life hell, it's a really cozy school. Maybe too cozy.
But then came the big May production, and I found myself being kicked into high gear again. Since then I've reclaimed some of my former productivity... I've been staying later, and using my prep time more effectively. It's coming a bit late in the school year (a week and a half left... Hah!) But better than never I suppose.
The interesting thing... in a conversation with a parent, I think I let slip how fatigued I was getting this year. I think I may have sparked a concern that I may quit *MY SCHOOL*... as it seems that the parents are talking about how they can organize to help me out more effectively in the years to come.
That makes me feel loved.
The problem was, I was rebelling against doing work outside of school. Planning, grading, preparing, writing e-mails, updating my website... none of it was getting done. I would go home with a full briefcase and basically leave it in the corner all night while I spent the night watching quality television programing with my wife.
You can see the vicious cycle at work here.
I wanted to blame Palpatine.... I really did. I wanted to say that because of her, I've lost the will to give that extra 20%. But what I feared in the depths of my souls was that I was... that I am... burning out.... Maybe I've just been here too long, doing the same thing year-in and year-out. Despite Palpatine making my life hell, it's a really cozy school. Maybe too cozy.
But then came the big May production, and I found myself being kicked into high gear again. Since then I've reclaimed some of my former productivity... I've been staying later, and using my prep time more effectively. It's coming a bit late in the school year (a week and a half left... Hah!) But better than never I suppose.
The interesting thing... in a conversation with a parent, I think I let slip how fatigued I was getting this year. I think I may have sparked a concern that I may quit *MY SCHOOL*... as it seems that the parents are talking about how they can organize to help me out more effectively in the years to come.
That makes me feel loved.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Bliss on the other end of the baton
I know I've been sounding negative lately. That's probably the stress talking. It's my own fault, really, for taking on as many projects as I did this year. But I do see the end of the year in sight... and it looks like I'm going to cross the finish line in one piece.One of the extra things I took on is playing alto sax for a concert with a local volunteer orchestra (mostly made up of Mormons). I've done a lot of gigs for the Mormons over the last few years... mostly holiday concerts. Nice people (1). This particular concert features all-American music, and includes works that utilize a huge mixed chorus and children's choir as well (2). They're finishing up the whole program with Rhapsody in Blue, hence the need for saxophonists.
I was referred to the conductor by one of the school board members (3) who has seen me play on numerous occasions. They told me that they could pay me but it wouldn't be much. I told them not to bother - I don't get a chance to play much these days... and really, all you have to do is say the name "Gershwin" and I'm there in a heartbeat.
As much as I love being a conductor, I miss a great deal about being an ensemble performer. No score study, no big decisions to make... just make sure you can play your part and keep it in tune. The rest is sitting back and enjoying the show from the inside.
I have to say, for a volunteer orchestra, it's pretty darn good. There are no noticeably weak players, and several particularly strong ones. The principal clarinetist nails the opening cadenza to the wall (4), and the lead trumpet is so solid, I was thinking of asking her to come clinic my kids. There are a few high school and even middle school kids in the orchestra... but even so, they seem to be keeping up (5).
Man... I thought I was doing this as a favor, and as a means of just building good public relations... but this is ending up being a particularly therapeutic endeavor for me. To play.... just to play.... And of all things, something as satisfying as Rhapsody... You know, there's no humanly possible way to over-schmultz the slow melody, it just drips with sentimentality. *sigh*
And to boot... we get to perform in the newly-built multi-gabillion-dollar performing arts concert hall(6). This will be the last of five big performances I will have done in two weeks. I hope my tux holds out.
(1) They feed me pretty well, too.
(2) Mormons don't do anything small.
(3) The guy used to teach music in our district. When I first met him, he was the band director at one of the other high schools. He is a very good ally to have.
(4) ...and on Rhapsody, if you don't have a clarinetist who can nail that cadenza, you might as well give the audience their money back.
(5) You can always find the lost ones by watching their bowing.
(6) Not as nice as the Disney Hall... but nice enough to attract world-class talent.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Oh Yeah...... THAT'S Why I do this...
So, Darth Dumbass decided to show up to last night's concert after all (1) It was awkward walking around backstage and bumping into him.(2) Furthermore, my stomach was eating itself with anger the whole time.
The concert came off okay. It felt amateurish: there were some logistics that we didn't work out all the way, so there was a little bit of chaos backstage. Also, we had a ringer in the cello section that had never rehearsed with the orchestra. Furthermore, we didn't get a chance to do a sound check on the stage (which few of the kids had performed on before) so there were some awkward moments here and there as the balance and timing fluctuated (particularly with the jazz group: The rhythm section washed out the horns pretty badly at times.)
I wouldn't say it was a bad concert, just not our best. And with the drama with Darth Dumbass... it left me more than a little drained - which is why I was particularly tickled this morning to get this e-mail from the parent of one of the other kids:
1. His girlfriend convinced him to go.
2. I knew that he knew that I said that I knew that he said that he wouldn't go... or something like that.
The concert came off okay. It felt amateurish: there were some logistics that we didn't work out all the way, so there was a little bit of chaos backstage. Also, we had a ringer in the cello section that had never rehearsed with the orchestra. Furthermore, we didn't get a chance to do a sound check on the stage (which few of the kids had performed on before) so there were some awkward moments here and there as the balance and timing fluctuated (particularly with the jazz group: The rhythm section washed out the horns pretty badly at times.)
I wouldn't say it was a bad concert, just not our best. And with the drama with Darth Dumbass... it left me more than a little drained - which is why I was particularly tickled this morning to get this e-mail from the parent of one of the other kids:
Indefatigable - untiring, inexhaustible, Mr. M, bustling, unsleeping, Mr. M, undrooping, unflagging, unwavering, undaunted, Mr. M, persevering, indomitable, unfailing, steadfast, did I mention Mr. M?, hard-working, diligent.So... whatever mental funk I had going on last night, obviously it didn't affect the audience (whew). And the warm-fuzzy couldn't have been timed better.
Thank you, thank you for last night's concert. What a delight! I can't tell you how much our family enjoyed it, including three grandparents. I think the best thing, however, was watching our daughter's face all evening. She could barely contain herself, she was so happy. Afterwards, she told me that there were a few times a year or two ago that she contemplated giving up saxophone. The only thing that kept her going was her dream that one day she might get to play in the jazz band. Well that dream came true last night. Pure joy! Thank you!!
1. His girlfriend convinced him to go.
2. I knew that he knew that I said that I knew that he said that he wouldn't go... or something like that.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Sunday, June 1, 2008
In The Calm Reflection Following the Storm
I had so much to blog about this week, but no time to do it. I'm not sure I can effectively get it all in in one post, but I'll try:
Every year I take on at least one project that pushes my stress level to the limit. Last year it was the overnight festival trip to San Diego. This year it was our annual "themed" dinner/concert.
Starting back in 2003, we've done a special themed performance that not only involved entertainment, but food and costumes as well. We've done everything from Renaissance / Madrigal dinners to 1940's style jazz clubs. It's usually a huge production, especially with the food element. The first year we did it, it was relatively modest; I pretty much pulled it off almost single-handedly with the students. It has since grown to an operation that requires massive parent support.
This year's installment was the largest yet: The longest show, the most music, heavier dramatic element and the biggest audience. It all started weighing in on me a couple of weeks ago. Despite the massive parent and student efforts behind-the-scenes, I felt like I wasn't getting enough done on schedule. I made the mistake of taking over responsibility for writing the script for the dramatic elements (folks, I'm no drama teacher.... I'm a musician)... I did that mostly because I've had students fall through in the past. But coming up with the story, characters and dialogue.... that was such a daunting task that it pushed me into procrastination mode (I would avoid the task because I was afraid of it). And honestly, I was finishing up the details of the story the morning of the event. The actors were doing mostly improv with just an outline to work with. Fortunately, I picked the right people to play the characters... kids I share with the Drama Dept. who knew how to pull this kind of thing out of their butts.
It was the script that was stressing me out the most. Second to that was the paranoia that there would be a backlash against the money that we were pumping the families for: Due to the costs and our meager budget, I asked the kids to provide for their own costume rental, then figure the $25 ticket price. Some families spent over $200 on this event.
I know... that's a lot to absorb. That's the way I am: I internalize everything, and take way more responsibility than I should. That's why I haven't slept well or eaten on a regular schedule for a couple of weeks.
Yesterday was D-Day: And for the most part, the event went off without too many problems, and what issues we had went unnoticed by the audience.
The music was well prepared
The drama kids did as well as they could with what I gave them
The food was fantastic
The decorations were amazing.
Everyone seemed to have a good time.
Still, I have to wonder in the back of my mind... was it all worth the time, effort and money? You must forgive me, I am naturally paranoid. Those of you who know me, know that I rarely fail in my efforts. And even after another successful installment, I still worry. Why? Because this was all my idea. Because my students and parents deserve to be a part of something meaningful, and if they're going to work that hard for me, I'd better damn well deliver.
I was very humbled by the level of parent support. People got behind this project because they believe in me and what I try to do for their kids. That makes me feel very loved, appreciated and trusted, but at the same time it comes with no small amount of pressure to produce. This is a load I put on myself, I know. The parents and the kids would never burden me with that kind of baggage.
Well, don't concern yourself to much with my apparent state. Truth-be-told, I'm proud of what we did yesterday. I did have a good time, and the immediate feedback was very positive. Furthermore, I am letting go of the residual fear and doubt... that's part of what this blog is for after all: Venting and processing things so that I can move on.
The best thing about the whole experience (by far) was the good that I saw come out in the people around me. This, after all, a very good community to work for.
Every year I take on at least one project that pushes my stress level to the limit. Last year it was the overnight festival trip to San Diego. This year it was our annual "themed" dinner/concert.
Starting back in 2003, we've done a special themed performance that not only involved entertainment, but food and costumes as well. We've done everything from Renaissance / Madrigal dinners to 1940's style jazz clubs. It's usually a huge production, especially with the food element. The first year we did it, it was relatively modest; I pretty much pulled it off almost single-handedly with the students. It has since grown to an operation that requires massive parent support.
This year's installment was the largest yet: The longest show, the most music, heavier dramatic element and the biggest audience. It all started weighing in on me a couple of weeks ago. Despite the massive parent and student efforts behind-the-scenes, I felt like I wasn't getting enough done on schedule. I made the mistake of taking over responsibility for writing the script for the dramatic elements (folks, I'm no drama teacher.... I'm a musician)... I did that mostly because I've had students fall through in the past. But coming up with the story, characters and dialogue.... that was such a daunting task that it pushed me into procrastination mode (I would avoid the task because I was afraid of it). And honestly, I was finishing up the details of the story the morning of the event. The actors were doing mostly improv with just an outline to work with. Fortunately, I picked the right people to play the characters... kids I share with the Drama Dept. who knew how to pull this kind of thing out of their butts.
It was the script that was stressing me out the most. Second to that was the paranoia that there would be a backlash against the money that we were pumping the families for: Due to the costs and our meager budget, I asked the kids to provide for their own costume rental, then figure the $25 ticket price. Some families spent over $200 on this event.
I know... that's a lot to absorb. That's the way I am: I internalize everything, and take way more responsibility than I should. That's why I haven't slept well or eaten on a regular schedule for a couple of weeks.
Yesterday was D-Day: And for the most part, the event went off without too many problems, and what issues we had went unnoticed by the audience.
The music was well prepared
The drama kids did as well as they could with what I gave them
The food was fantastic
The decorations were amazing.
Everyone seemed to have a good time.
Still, I have to wonder in the back of my mind... was it all worth the time, effort and money? You must forgive me, I am naturally paranoid. Those of you who know me, know that I rarely fail in my efforts. And even after another successful installment, I still worry. Why? Because this was all my idea. Because my students and parents deserve to be a part of something meaningful, and if they're going to work that hard for me, I'd better damn well deliver.
I was very humbled by the level of parent support. People got behind this project because they believe in me and what I try to do for their kids. That makes me feel very loved, appreciated and trusted, but at the same time it comes with no small amount of pressure to produce. This is a load I put on myself, I know. The parents and the kids would never burden me with that kind of baggage.
Well, don't concern yourself to much with my apparent state. Truth-be-told, I'm proud of what we did yesterday. I did have a good time, and the immediate feedback was very positive. Furthermore, I am letting go of the residual fear and doubt... that's part of what this blog is for after all: Venting and processing things so that I can move on.
The best thing about the whole experience (by far) was the good that I saw come out in the people around me. This, after all, a very good community to work for.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
