Two violists walk into a bar...

For those of you not in the know:

In the musical world, people joke about the viola.
Viola players have a horrible reputation for being substandard musicians. This is mostly because a lot of orchestras don't have enough viola players, so they recruit substandard violin players to do the job. Hence, the viola section tends to be a bit sketchy. (often times, more than a bit)

I try not to tell viola jokes out of respect for the violists I know and love. Unfortunately, this year the viola section in my orchestra provides ample justification for the stereotype. During our first concert of the year, they got off-tempo in both of their pieces. I actually walked towards them and started beating my baton ion the air just above their stand. When that didn't work, I started counting out loud. Even that failed. I think I could have burst into flames and they still wouldn't have looked up.

Now, if I think the kid is trying their hardest... I don't say very much and just put up with it. But when I stop in rehearsal and gently try to address the problem... and the violists start talking to each other once while I'm lecturing and writing things on the board... well that's when I snap and make their substandard performance a public discussion.

So yeah...

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

A: You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline

Q: What's the difference between a viola and an onion?

A: No one cries when you chop up a viola.

Q: Why do viola players leave their cases in their car when they go to rehearsal?

A: So they can park in the handicapped spaces.

Q: What's the shortest book ever written?

A: It's a toss-up between "French Military Victories" and "The World's Greatest Viola Virtuosos"

Q: There's a $100 bill in the middle of a room. In the corners of the room stand a first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist and a bass player. Who gets the bill?

A: The second violinist. The bass player doesn't know what's going on, there is no such thing as a virtuoso violist, and no first violinist would go anywhere for only $100.

Q: How do you know when a violist is at the door?

A: They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

(Just FYI... I didn't tell these jokes in class... but I had to let them out somewhere)