I'm starting to wonder why I haven't been getting parent phone calls about my beginning instruments class. I mean - yesterday I was borderline verbally abusive... I actually told a kid "I don't care where you go, just get out of my classroom."
No that's not quite true. I didn't tell him, I screamed it at him.
I yell a lot in that class... it's something that is not second nature to me. I'm trying to figure out how I managed to develop the ability to go from total pacifist to complete asshole in 60 seconds. But as I was driving off campus to go teach a private lesson, I think I figured it out.
As I said before, my method of classroom management relies on rapport with the class. I have allies among the students - they help me maintain order in the classroom without having to use more formal disciplinary measures. But the beginning class is all new kids - and mostly 7th graders. I've also come to realize that there is a concentration of kids with formal discipline records in that class (I actually saw a group of about six of them all walking to after school detention together one day). In short, this is not a class where a simple "No really guys, I need you to be cool" works.
Now here is where one of my weaknesses comes into play - one that I've just figured out, and one that might surprise you: I have anger management issues. That doesn't mean that I blow up without warning. In fact very few people have seen me blow. What it means is that when I do get angry, I don't know how to manage it very well. Voila - instant asshole, just add smart-mouthed 7th grader.
Realizing this is a big step - because what it brought to light is the fact that the reason why I am such an easy-going teacher is that I subconsciously fear my inability to express my frustration and anger without going overboard.
It also means that I can look at my beginning instruments class as a sign of my own emotional instability - or - as an opportunity to work out those issue without having to pay a therapist. I choose the latter, although I do feel sorry for the beginning students. It may be a bit of a journey for us both.
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So yeah... yesterday was one of those days where I just wanted to go home and play with my kid. But I had a private lesson to teach. It's a bit of a drive, and my wife allways asks me why I don't have the student come to me. I think part of it is because the student lives high on a hill in a pretty beach town, and the drive home looks like this:
2 comments:
Nice realization, my friend. You've taken a first step into a much larger world.
Yeah, my plan is to work that stuff out before Maestro Jr. becomes teenager. That way I'm less likely to kill him.
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