Priorities

Last week our head football coach resigned. I don't have all the gossip yet. The official explanation was "personal reasons". A lot of people are assuming that he got a better offer somewhere else, although one of the rumors is that he wants to keep teaching at New Republic High School. Some people are saying that he was getting pressure from his wife to be home with the family more.

Touchdown Tom was hired a few years ago to rescue the varsity team from a decades-long losing tradition. He seemed to be doing well, this last year in particular... this news seems to come while he's in the middle of his stride. Whether or not the family part is true, it certainly wouldn't be the first time I've seen that kind of thing. I've known people to 'throw away' successful careers (or at least scale them way back) for the sake of their families... sometimes letting recently-completed graduate degrees collect dust while they trade in their lesson plans for baby bottles. I don't mean to be critical of that - I'm a parent myself and I understand all too well what's at stake.

I was, however, a little surprised to hear about Tom though. He struck me as... well, the same as every other coach I ever met. He was absorbed into his game - and in Tom's case it was so much so that he didn't really care about any of the peripheral stuff (including band... for which I am very grateful). Football is who he is... the same way that music is who I am.

Anyone who heads up a high-profile program like music or sports basically has a choice: you can be a power player, or you can have a normal life. I don't know many who manage to do both. Sitting at the big kids table in your field often means taking yourself (and your students) to the point of obsession. Late nights and early mornings, extra practices, weekends, holidays, summer vacation, expecting students to prioritize your program over their studies, expecting parents and even other faculty to bend their plans around your program,... and lets not forget the fund raising (being the best at what you do isn't only hard, it's expensive.)

The lure of being a championship team, band, orchestra, choir... whatever... is pretty powerful. Students and families are willing to go the extra mile, because the pay-off is so desirable, and they can run their engines that high, because it's usually a four year stretch at most (Maybe more if there are siblings). There was always light at the end of the tunnel - eventually they would get their nights and weekends back. But for the director (coach) it's a never-ending onslaught of year after year, until they resign or retire. After a while, it takes toll on your marriage... and your children. It essentially sets the director up for a situation where he is prioritizing other people's kids over his own. The parents and students very rarely acknowledge this - they are usually too absorbed into the experience to realize that the director even has a life outside of their job.

Of course there are the guys who live and breathe that kind of intensity. The whole reason they went into music/sports in the first place was to have their name at the top of the competition charts. Those guys... well... sometimes they get to the end of their career and say "I wouldn't change a thing" sometimes they realize that they are approaching retirement, with nothing to look forward to because they let a marriage (or two... or three) dissolve, and they have little or no relationship with any children they might have had. Principal Leto was on that path - he told me flat out: "As you plan for the expansion of your program, keep your family in balance. I went the route of having the nationally competitive band, and I made personal sacrifices that I now regret."

Now, it sounds like I'm building up to a no-brainer conclusion: family comes first. And to be honest - I sense that in the end, after having done all the math, that's the way it has to be. Still, there are complications and contradictions in that statement. As noble as true "family comes first" may be, it denies the ideology that we've been feeding to kids all of their young lives: "Reach for your dreams."After all, the whole point of education is to prepare people for their futures - bright wondrous futures filled with endless possibilities, or so we claim. But then it also seems that the highest peaks of achievement can only be reached with unflinching personal commitment, the kind that requires sacrifice. With that in mind, perhaps the statement should be amended to - "You can do anything you want, as long as you don't want to have a family."

So where does that put you if your life dream was to be a coach or a music teacher.... and a good one?

Personally , I think the true path is somewhere in the middle. We spend our youth preparing for the thing that provides self-definition. It is the "me" that we choose... and without it, we are shapeless, faceless specimens of humanity. Part of being a good husband, and a good father is being a strong individual that is based on the chosen path. It provides more than sustenance and security, it provides perspective and experience - things that your children can benefit from by mere proximity. Or, as one of my closest mentors put it "The most important thing you have to teach is yourself."

My wife looks at her job primarily as a means for an income. ( This fits the 'family first' model very well, but in all honesty, I cringe at the thought of living in a society where no one made a personal investment in their work. ) If we won the lottery tomorrow, she'd never step foot in her work place again. I, on the other hand, would probably still teach. It's just who I am. My wife thinks that I put career before family, but that isn't true - despite the fact that I've been a pretty heavy workaholic at times. It's also true that had she forced a choice early on - our relationship or teaching music... well, we might not be married today. I only say that because I can't see denying myself my calling for a mere principle. But at the same time, I do believe marriage and family hold trump cards that can beat all hands under the right circumstances.

I will be the best music teacher I can be, and I will put in long hours, late nights and weekends where necessary - but I will also draw the line and set aside family time that is off limits to my school work. I will occasionally be away from my wife and son, sometimes for weeks for travel with youth groups and/or summer institutions, but I will cancel it all if I am needed at home. I will continue on down the path that I chose as a young adult. I will refine my skills as a teacher and as a musician, and I will always consider my work to be the main conduit through which I can have a positive influence on the world - but if circumstance demand my full attention on my family, I will put the teacher and musician aside.