Il stupido grande

So about this time next week I'll be in Italy traveling with the same youth orchestra that took me to Australia, Austria and Hungary in summers past. We're going with a group of mixed ability... some of the players are seasoned college students, some of them can barely hold their instruments. The strings are staffed pretty well, but the winds are incomplete: Three flutes, one clarinet, one trombone. To counter this, we've programmed stuff with flexible voicing and have been transposing a lot of parts on Finale.

The good news is, most of the winds are pretty good. The bad news is... the sole clarinet player leaves much to be desired. This wouldn't be so bad if the kid didn't have an attitude. But it so happens that he's the best clarinetist in his school, so he thinks he doesn't have to work all that hard (or pay attention in rehearsal.) But the truth is, in the wider world of clarinetists (or musicians in general), he's a decidedly weak player. Unfortunately, there seems to be no fear of music that far exceeds his ability, nor shame from being in the presence of musicians (of the same age) who can play circles around him. It brings 'clueless' to a whole new level.

In order to moderate the damage he's capable of doing to the product, it was decided that I would sit in and play clarinet as well. I don;t mind doing this, but I'm not a great clarinetist. I'm okay in the upper range, where the fingerings are identical to saxophone, but I struggle in the chalumeaux register, and sometimes have trouble sealing the open holes.

So can I just say how frustrating it is to be sitting next to a kid who thinks he has the one-up on me simply because he knows the fingerings better? The kid doesn't even bother to count his rests correctly, and the only reason he makes his entrances is because he sees me getting ready.. but even then, he's usually a beat or two behind.

I also spend almost all of our down time explaining rhythms to him - he can't subdivide, nor handle anything with a dot on it correctly. He's starting to get a little snarky with me, which is going to lead to me giving up and teaching him the hard way - like intentionally faking him out into bad entrances. (It's not hard. You just bring your instrument up as early or as late as you like, and take a fake breath. If they aren't paying attention, they'll follow you like a lemming.) It's not the most teacherly thing, I know... but sometimes the kind mentor approach doesn't cut it.

Maybe I'll get lucky and the kid will get abducted by Gypsies while we're there.