You see me now, a veteran...

...of a thousand psychic wars
I've been living on the edge so long
Where the winds of limbo roar
And I'm young enough to look at
And far too old to see
All the scars are on the inside
I'm not sure that there's anything left of me

Veteran of Psychic Wars - Blue Öyster Cult

It's not that bad... I just feel like I've been getting my ass kicked lately. My "Great Reform" is in a constant state of near-stall, putzing along in small advances here and there, but no major breakthroughs. The only thing that saves me from full-on depression where that is concerned is the recognition of the fact that I have very little time to actually plan and develop. Most of my prep hour goes to tending to immediate classroom needs. It feels like I'm constantly working on the edges of the brush fire, but never the center.

A couple other things that made me feel like a total flake: Today, I had my fill of a couple of pumpkins who have been non-stop talkers in choir. They are decent singers, but constant distractions. I've talked with them both, and threatened them with detentions (of course, my lousy follow-through pretty much negated any effectiveness that might have had). But today I decided it was enough. I e-mailed both sets of parents, telling them that it had come to the point of requiring administrative attention. One parent responded within the hour, saying that she was sorry for her daughters behavior, but was dismayed that I hadn't contacted her sooner. Of course, she was right.

Why didn't I contact her? Because I was too busy? Because formal discipline requires effort and paperwork? Because deep down I dread calling parents because of the potential for backlash? All of the above. None of the above. I don't know. I just didn't.

The good news was that the tone of the parent was not particularly hostile. And when I responded, I tried to do so without being defensive, or making excuses. I simply acknowledged her concern and proceeded to suggest a way that we could work together.

Secondly, I got an e-mail from the facilities director of the church whose sanctuary we used for our December concert. She wanted to know the status of the tech invoice she sent us, and when they can expect to be paid. I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to meet with her over a month ago to deliver payment, and to set up the next concert. After our February break, I completely forgot to call her. I have the cash sitting in a lock-box, all neatly bundled up in an envelope with their name on it. I forgot to call. The e-mail ended with the statement "The fee for the coming concert will need to be payed before or on the day of the event."

Fuck.

I mean I know it isn't the end of the world, and it isn't like they are cutting us off completely, but I just hate having that kind of rep.

Oh... and the above e-mail reminded me of another individual who has been patiently waiting for payment - a piano tuner who did some work for us back in February.

Maybe I deserve the rep after all.

Lastly, I've been blowing off e-mails from the youth orchestra manager all week. Today she called and said that I needed to print and bring parts to the rehearsal tomorrow, since I never got back to her. Ordinarily, I wouldn't have a problem, except that one of the pieces is a string-only work, which means that I have to manufacture wind parts. That's when my grand plan of picking my son up early and taking him to the park were blown out of the water.

*Sigh*

You ask me why I'm weary
Why I can't speak to you
You blame me for my silence
Say it's time I changed and grew
But the war's still going on, dear
And there's no end that I know
And I can't say if we're ever
I can't say if we're ever gonna be free