Mixed Feelings

Today was a weird day. I woke up in some kind of a funk... I don't know why. Some of my kids noticed and asked me what was wrong, and I couldn't really say. I think I was stewing over the thought that while I try to be an inspiring teacher, I don't think I do particularly well at being a demanding one. That's why I have attendance and commitment problems. It seems as if even among the top groups a lot the kids will drop a rehearsal or even a performance without so much as a second though if they have something "more important" to do. And I put up with it.

It's a rare day, but it does happen, when a thought crosses my mind that would scare the hell out of my students: I have pretty much convinced myself that I can outlast Principal Palpatine... or any principal for that matter. But sometimes I wonder if somewhere out there there was a school that was just a little.... hungrier for a good music teacher. Of course, the next thought that hits my mind is that if the problem is me, then it doesn't matter where I go - the students will learn to take advantage of me regardless.

My students haven't actually driven me to look at the job listings.... but sometimes they make me day-dream about being in a different environment... some Shangri-La school with a big music enrollment - a healthy feeder and a big budget. And no student ever skipped out because they were too tired from studying late, or missed a concert because of a baseball game or an AP Test study session. No student ever walked in late with a Starbucks cup in their hand, nor had their chemistry book stuffed underneath their music folder during rehearsal.

Yeah right.

But really, I'm not angry with them as much as I'm angry at myself (and dear friends, you know this is nothing new. Absorbing blame is practically an art form with me.) It's a great school with a lot of perks... I'd be crazy to leave. And I'm not crazy. Well... I'm not that crazy. I also know that when I eventually take a step back, take a deep breath and look at my roll sheet again, I'll see the names of the kids who have never missed a day, never been late.... never so much as even looked bored during rehearsal. I'll also see the names of people who have made huge sacrifices out of the other areas of their life for the music program... no... for me.

I don't know... it was just one of those days. And nothing really happened to bring it up... it was just festering there in my mind.

On the brighter side:

This year I've been playing trumpet a lot. Mostly because my trumpet players are, generally speaking, so weak that I've been forced to try and demonstrate for them. Folks... I don't play trumpet... not well, anyway. But today something happened that totally caught me off guard: for the first time ever, I hit a G just above the staff. For you non-musical types, know that playing higher notes on a trumpet is more difficult, thus setting the basis by which all trumpet players manage their ego judge their worth.

Now, a G isn't really a big deal for a brass player, but for a born-and-bred woodwind guy, it was pretty exciting. The weird thing is that I was just trying to hit the third space E, and the G popped out instead. When I figured out what I had done, I tried it again, thinking that it was a freak accident, but the G popped again.... and a again. I blew a series of short, rhythmic bursts, and the G kept coming back. Weird. I'll try it again next week and see if I can still do it.

On the kind-of-brighter-side:

After stressing out about how I was going to fit musical theater duty into my schedule... it turns out the that vocal coach that the drama teacher hired wants to conduct the pit himself. While I thoroughly enjoy conducting the shows, I didn't argue because it's the drama teacher's circus, and if he wants to let this guy do it... that's fine. I'd rather not make waves. I also realize that since Vocal Coach has more of a grasp of how the show flows... he's probably more qualified to do it anyway. The other reason I didn't complain is that I just got about 100+ hours of my life back.... Just think of all the things I can do with it. Like Sleep.