The Voice of God

I'm agnostic. You can blame my Mother. She grew up in a strict Baptist environment, and eventually grew to hate it. She ended up a die-hard humanist. My father grew up Catholic, but abandoned it by the time I was born. Hence, my family was never the church-goin type. Despite this, I spent a lot of time in Catholic School... mostly because my parents thought it would keep me out of trouble. Little did they know that the trouble was still there, I just managed to avoid it.

In any case, I always felt some level of spirituality, but with out the benefit of a family-driven faith, I didn't quite know how to focus it. In my college years I looked into various churches*... but having spent a lot of time in Catholic services... other Christian denominations seemed... "unorganized"

You must forgive that observation. The Catholics in the room know what I'm talking about: Mass is a very specific ritual with heavy audience participation - STAND - SIT- KNEEL - STAND - SAY THIS - NOW SAY THIS - NOW SHAKE EVERYBODY'S HAND - NOW GET COMMUNION - KNEEL SOME MORE!!!!.... Consequently, when I finally went to my first non-Catholic service, it seemed like:

"Hey guys, thanks for showing up. Well... let's talk about Jesus for a while, then we... umm... can sing about him... and then maybe a little more singing.... yeah..."

So... in short... I was a frustrated spriritual pagan.

Most of what I learned about religion I actually learned in my music history classes. Also... just listening to Bach, Brahms, Mozart, Beethoven. The big turning point was being sent to the library to listen to Brahms' Requiem and falling alseep in the listening booth (yeah, with the headphones on). I woke up just as the fourth movement was starting**:

Wie lieblich sind deine Wohnungen, Herr Zebaoth! Meine seele verlanget und sehnet sich nach den Vorhöfen des Herrn; mein Leib und Seele freuen sich in dem lebendigen Gott. Wohl denen, die in deinem Hause wohnen, die loben dich immerdar.

How lovely is thy dwelling place, O Lord of hosts!
My soul longeth, yea, even fainteth for the courts of the Lord: my heart and my flesh crieth out for the living God. Blessed are they that dwell in thy house: they will be still praising thee.

That was the moment that changed my whole virew of choral music. I'd never heard anything so heart-stoppingly beautiful. From then on I had the door opened a little bit more. While not being particularly religious, I started to wonder if works like the Requiem could have entirely been constructed from the mind of a mere mortal. Then I read quotes from people like Beethoven who said, in effect, that the composition process was his way of talking to God, and that what he created was greater than himself.

So where am I today? The same spiritually frustrated pagan. I do, however, express my perception of the un-named Powers-that-Be musically. Fortunately, I work in a a very relaxed community that doesn't mind that we get into some really heavy sacred music... even around the holidays*** But my absolute favorite thing is doing big combined choral and orchestral works... Bach, Vivaldi, Mozart... and this weekend... the Gloria from Haydn's Theresienmesse - my advanced choir + a local youth orchestra... let's talk about "Glory to God in the Highest." It was spectacular.

I'm not trying to preach to anyone... I just think that when you're performing music that someone wrote out of faith, you're basically tapping into their core psyche on a very powerful level. That's where music is the biggest rush.

Yup... that's the advantage of being a musician: You get to hear the voice of God (even agnostics, like me). Everyone else has to wait until they die.

* I thought briefly about looking into Buddhism, but never got around to it.

** Don't ask me how I managed to sleep through the second movement. If you know the piece, you know what I mean.

*** I'm sorry, but "Gloria In Excelsis Deo" kind of (musically) kicks the crap out of "Here Comes Santa Clause." Of course, I also include Hannukah music as well. I basically jump on any chance I get to have the kids sing something in Hebrew.