Had the meeting today. I've been told that the principal sees no passion in my program, hence my enrollment has been low (not lack of passion for what I do, but lack of passion for showing it to other people.). I've been told that my handling of certain situations with certain students was inappropriate.
I'm not even sure I can write about it now with a clear head. Maybe all I need to do is write how I feel.
I am so gripped by fear. Not fear of a stupid marching band.... but fear about what's going to happen tomorrow when I show up to work. I'm afraid of whats going to happen in 0 period. I'm afraid that I'll finally admit to myself that I'll never have the strength or the courage to do what really needs to be done. I'm afraid that the last ten years of my career have been a sham... that what I am underneath my public image as teacher extraordinaire is a person who is ultimately unprepared for this job. I haven't had this much fear since *MY LAST SCHOOL*.... and what I dread most is coming back to the same crossroads I stood at almost ten years ago... the thought that maybe I should have been an accountant.
Heh... the kids would tell me I'm being totally... what's the word?... emo.
Allright, just for the sake of getting all the ugly out....
I am too afraid of damaging relationships with students to discipline them
I care too much about what the students think of me.
I play favorites
I do not hold my students to high standards
I am an obnoxiously easy "A"
I am frequently lazy and unprepared
I develop strong personal biases against individual students
I am a hypocrite
I fear confrontation more than anything
I am inconsistent with my policies and procedures.
I am unorganized
I waste large amounts of time in class
I fail to communicate with people
I procrastinate like no other
I fail to thank people properly for the things they have done for me.
yeah... that's it... that's whats eating me up. I know that anyone who reads this, knows me and loves me will immediately want to rescue me from this. I don't know that it's necessary... I'm just putting in writing what the little voices have been telling me for years.
I'm tired now, I'm going to go home.
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2 comments:
We must talk.
You build relationships with students that extend far beyond their graduation
You encourage students to be better musicians
You stepped up to teach an AP class and start a percussion ensemble
You bring your students to festivals, Disneyland, and offer them opportunities to go beyond *YOUR SCHOOL* in nusicianship
You care.
You are frequently overcommitted -- in order to serve as many students as you can (private lessons, etc.), or teachers (lectures, etc.)
You forgive students for their human and teenage failures
You bring laughter to every day
You provide a haven for those who don't fit in anywhere else
You thank everyone, all the time
You communicate all the time
You are one of my best friends on campus
YOU ARE IMPORTANT.
WHAT YOU DO IS IMPORTANT.
AND YOU ARE DOING IT.
Feel your fear. Your emotions are valid. But fear isn't the only emotion you;ve been allotted. Feel some other things, too? Support, love, joy...they're there, too.
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