So....Lets talk about Roger, my counterpart at *OUR RIVAL SCHOOL*. Like me, he teaches vocal and instrumental . He and I get along well enough. We're friendly. We do each other favors. Underneath the surface, we have a rivalry going. He's the big Texas-style band director. I'm the classical music snob. He has the big marching band (easily four times the size of my band). I have the district's only string orchestra, as well as the district's only AP Music Theory class.
Now... I have tried to tell myself for years that I'm not about competition or comparison.... but the ugly truth is that deep down inside I compare myself with him all the time. I think I choose better repertoire, and aim for far more artistic goals. And though it sounds like a horrible thing to say, I must let it out - I believe in my blackened heart that I am the better musician. What pisses me off is that for all of my "noble intentions" there is one glaring annoying fact I can't get around: his kids are stronger performers.
Now I can rationalize this about a dozen different ways: He does mostly band all day long (one choir, band and jazz), my attentions are split between five different mediums and an academic class. He doesn't have to deal with beginners in his program. I have beginners mixed in with the intermediate and advanced kids. He has a feeder school. I have to feed myself. But there it is... his kids just play better. I keep thinking "Wow... what I could do with that band" But the problem is... I can't shake the thought that if they were my band they might not play so well.
I have a Masters in instrumental conducting. I know how to wave a stick. I know the really good band rep. I can analyze a piece and philosophize about the relationship between themes and the function of the harmonic progressions. I've conducted most of the band war-horses, and continue to discover more great pieces every summer at the music institute I work for. But see, those kids aren't mine. I borrow them from districts that have really great programs. I'm not responsible for them being great players... I just put great music in front of them and give them a little guidance. Maybe I don't have what it takes to grow great players. It irks me to think that Roger, as disconnected as he is with the art, surpasses me greatly in that field. (He just doesn't know what to do with them once they figure out how the instrument works.)
Last Saturday I ran into the drama teacher from *OUR RIVAL SCHOOL*. I knew for some time that she didn't get along with Roger so well.(1) In our ensuing conversation, I heard it for the first time from her own lips. She was frustrated with Roger because he refused to participate in music theater (2) and because he was just difficult to work with. She kept telling me that she wished I was over at *OUR RIVAL SCHOOL*. That made me feel good (although there is no way I could ever bring myself to move, shold the opportunity arise.). Later, she sent me an e-mail:
Hi Mr. Maestro,I really enjoyed talking to you on Saturday. I am always impressed with your vision and creativity, and it was wonderful to just spend time discussing your kids and your program. Don't let anyone destroy what you have built. You are an amazing educator who deserves only the best.
Oh Lord, please forgive me for this vanity that plagues me. And by all means feel free to send me a little smack-down should my ego really jump the fence. (3)
1. I make it a point to be on good terms with our drama teacher (we share too many kids).
2. Neither did I when I first started teaching, but once I got into it I really enjoyed it.
3. There I go again, talking to a God I'm not entirely sure exists.
3 comments:
"I'm not responsible for them being great players... I just put great music in front of them and give them a little guidance."
I often wonder if surgeons feel the same way. Ever see surgery? They perform some life saving operation while talking about golf scores and kids' ballet recitals. I think maybe you ARE [at least partially] responsible for making them great musicians, but since you yourself are so far beyond that, those building blocks, which are huge to them, look small to you.
Looking at from the outside, I can't believe you don't recognize the impact you have on these kids.
And don't get me started on your conservatory approach. You've heard me go on about that before.
Actually I didn't mean to sound that critical of myself. I know what role I play in the lives of the summer kids. They come from programs where the teachers are task-masters and get them to play really well, but are sometimes lacking in expression. I'm the guy that gets them to connect. I know what that's worth... I remember when someone did it for me.
What I really mean to say is that based on the evidence, I may lack the drive and discipline (possibly pedagogy) to guide young players at the early stages.
Shhh! Don't tell, but sometimes I like to look around and say, "At least I'm not that person!"
I think it's pretty normal to feel a little competitive, and self righteousness boost the ego...
So there ya go. Justified.
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